Humor

Portland Mayor Allows 4th of July Flag Waving if Residents Promise to Apologize Later

PORTLAND, OR — Ahead of Independence Day, Portland Mayor Keith Wilson reminded residents Monday that while waving the American flag on the 4th of July is technically still legal, those who choose to do so should immediately issue a sincere apology for “the harm caused by aggressive displays of...

Tina Kotek Announces Bold Plan to Fix Oregon by Staring Blankly

SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking press conference Tuesday, Governor Tina Kotek unveiled her latest initiative to address Oregon’s mounting crises: staring blankly into the distance until everything magically fixes itself. “My administration has worked tirelessly to identify the root cause of...

Flip Flops Found After Mosquitoes Eat a Whole Man, Witnesses Claim “He Was Drained Like a Juice Box”

OREGON LAKE — What was supposed to be a peaceful weekend getaway turned into a bloodsucking horror show Saturday after witnesses say a swarm of mosquitoes at a popular Oregon lake completely consumed a man, leaving behind nothing but a pair of slightly-worn flip-flops and a strong scent of banana...

Locals Horrified as Man Wearing American Flag T-Shirt Casually Walks Into Portland Coffee Shop

Portland, OR — A tense scene unfolded Tuesday morning at a southeast Portland coffee shop after a man casually entered the building wearing a T-shirt featuring the American flag — unironically. The man, described by onlookers as “clean-cut” and “probably someone who owns a gasoline-powered...

Portland Man to Be Publicly Beheaded in Pioneer Square After Suggesting ‘Let’s Hear Both Sides’

PORTLAND, OR — In a bold display of civic unity, city officials have announced the scheduled public beheading of a local man at sunset tonight in Pioneer Courthouse Square after he reportedly uttered the inflammatory phrase: “Let’s hear both sides.” The man, identified as 38-year-old Greg...
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