Humor

First American Pope Wears Cowboy Hat

VATICAN CITY — In a historic and deeply confusing moment for the Catholic Church, newly appointed Pope Robert I — the first American pope in history — made his debut Wednesday morning atop the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica wearing a beige cowboy hat and a soft Midwestern grin. The hat, which...

India-Pakistan Conflict Accidently Solves America’s Spam Call Epidemic

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As tensions between India and Pakistan escalated into open conflict this week, something miraculous happened in the United States: millions of Americans experienced their first peaceful morning without a single scam call about their car’s extended warranty, a suspicious Amazon...

City Says 9 Bodies in Willamette River Is “Totally Chill, Bro,” Urges Public to Not Stare, It’s Weird

PORTLAND, OR — May 7, 2025 — In response to the ninth human body surfacing in the Willamette River this spring, Portland officials held a casual press conference Monday to assure the public that “everything’s totally chill, bro,” and to gently remind residents to “maybe not stare — it’s kind of a...

Missing Eugene Cat Allegedly Just Blazed Out of His Mind at the Neighbors’ Place

EUGENE, OR — A frantic search for a local feline came to a mellow conclusion Thursday afternoon after “Mittens,” a 3-year-old tabby, was located at a nearby house party, absolutely blitzed and sprawled across a bean bag chair in a dense fog of incense and weed smoke. “We thought he was lost or...

Trump to Reopen Toys “R” Us as Maximum Security Prison for “Really Bad Kids”

BEDMINSTER, NJ — In a bold move to “bring back law, order, and Geoffrey the Giraffe,” former President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he will personally oversee the reopening of defunct toy store chain Toys “R” Us — this time as a maximum security prison exclusively for unruly children....
First American Pope Wears Cowboy Hat

First American Pope Wears Cowboy Hat

VATICAN CITY — In a historic and deeply confusing moment for the Catholic Church, newly appointed Pope Robert I — the first American pope in history — made his debut Wednesday morning atop the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica wearing a beige cowboy hat and a soft...

Portland Protesters Demand More Things to Protest

Portland Protesters Demand More Things to Protest

PORTLAND, OR — In a surprising show of unity, hundreds of Portland protesters gathered downtown Tuesday not to decry a specific issue, but to demand more things to be upset about. “Frankly, we’re running out,” said protester Kai Evergreen, who held a blank cardboard...

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