EUGENE, OR — Despite being nearly three weeks behind on rent and actively refusing to open his banking app, local man Aaron L., 34, confirmed Tuesday that stopping by a tiny, overpriced hippie grocery store was “exactly what he needed right now.” “I’ve just been under...
PORTLAND, OR — City officials moved quickly Monday to clarify that the recent release of human waste into the Willamette River is not the same poop residents routinely dodge on downtown sidewalks, stressing that while the two may appear similar, smell similar, and...
PORTLAND, OR — Portland officials confirmed this week that the city has officially replaced its traditional Christmas tree with a large, smooth, abstract green object, describing the new holiday display as “bold,” “inclusive,” and “a meaningful departure from...
BEND, OR — Bend has once again topped the charts as the #1 relocation destination for Californians who are baffled by local hostility, according to a new report from the National Association of People Who Turned One Bedroom Condos Into Retirement Plans. Researchers...
SALEM, OR — In a move that experts are calling “bold,” “innovative,” and “the most Oregon thing to ever happen,” Governor Tina Kotek announced Monday that traditional Christmas celebrations will be officially replaced statewide with a new holiday: Inclusive Winter...
PORTLAND, OR — A Southern California tourist was escorted to the Oregon–California border Tuesday after loudly referring to the Willamette River as the “Will-Uh-Mah-Tee,” a pronunciation so catastrophically off-base that officials classified it as an “Immediate...
SALEM, OR — In a shocking but somehow completely predictable Thanksgiving Day update, state transportation officials confirmed Thursday that roughly 50% of all traffic congestion on Interstate 5 can be traced back to a single silver Toyota Prius traveling at a...
BEND, OR — In a move city officials are calling “a natural evolution of our community’s identity,” Bend has officially begun requiring all new residents to report to City Hall within 48 hours of arrival to collect their mandatory puffy black Columbia jacket. The...
In what witnesses are calling “the most powerful photo op since the moon landing,” U.S. Secretary of Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem, ascended the roof of Portland’s ICE building Tuesday morning wearing a full superhero suit, striking a series of commanding poses...
PORTLAND, OR — In a shocking display of civic multitasking, Portland Police officers were spotted this week across from the ICE building… peacefully knitting scarves, baby blankets, potholders, and one extremely lumpy sweater while federal agents tackled protesters to...
PORTLAND, OR — After years of experimenting with tear gas, rubber bullets, and pepper spray, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has apparently decided to step things up a notch. On Thursday night, officers stunned protesters outside Portland’s ICE facility by...
PORTLAND, OR — Freshly mobilized National Guard troops are already filing desperate reassignment requests after their first Portland briefing included photos from the city’s notorious World Naked Bike Ride. The “emergency ride,” hastily announced on social media by...