In a bold and completely normal security upgrade, Tesla has officially deployed fire-breathing robot dogs to patrol its dealerships nationwide. The flamethrower-equipped quadrupeds, affectionately dubbed "CyberHounds," have already proven to be highly effective at...
PORTLAND, OR — Local couple Brian and Jessica Holloway were overjoyed to snag floor tickets to see their favorite band live, dropping a casual $1,200 for what they expected to be a magical night of music, love, and unforgettable memories. Instead, they spent the...
Oregon meteorologists have officially given up. After a week that included sunshine, rain, and snow—sometimes all in the same afternoon—local weather forecasters admitted they are now just blindly throwing darts at a weather map and hoping for the best. “Look, we...
After 128 years in office, Senator Ron Wyden has announced a bold new infrastructure plan to finally address Oregon’s long-standing wagon wheel crisis. Speaking to reporters from the steps of the U.S. Capitol, Wyden promised that his long-awaited Wagon Wheel...
Springfield, OR – In an extraordinary act of selflessness and technical prowess, local father Greg Thompson, 47, successfully adjusted the microwave clock for Daylight Savings Time before anyone in the household even woke up. “I didn’t do it for the recognition,” Greg...
HEAVEN—After years of patience, countless warnings, and multiple disasters that somehow still weren’t enough to inspire change, sources close to the Almighty confirm that God is now “heavily considering” giving California a gentle push into the Pacific by 2030. “I...
A groundbreaking new study has finally settled the age-old debate: according to a nationwide survey, most women agree that a six-inch Subway sandwich is the perfect size. Conducted by the highly respected Institute of Culinary and Statistical Research, the study found...
NEWPORT, OR — For years, coastal visitors have suspected foul play when it comes to the mysterious yet highly strategic poop splatters appearing on their vehicles after a peaceful day at the beach. Today, in a shocking and unprecedented confession, Newport’s seagull...
In a move that has both foodies and entomologists scratching their heads, Impossible Foods has announced their latest innovation: a burger made entirely from 100% ground crickets. Dubbed the Crunchy Classic, this bold new creation promises all the protein of...
A Bend landlord, known among tenants simply as “Greg,” has proudly listed his one-bedroom, one-bath apartment for a “very fair” $3,200 a month, adding that he feels “pretty generous” about the price. “I could be charging way more,” Greg said while standing in front of...
Coos Bay has officially been recognized with the prestigious honor of “Best Place People Drive Through on Their Way to Bandon”, as awarded by the esteemed travel magazine Scenic Secrets Quarterly. The recognition comes after an exhaustive survey of road-trippers,...
Shoppers at a local grocery store were forced to endure a multi-act opera of chaos Sunday afternoon as a small, shoeless little brat unleashed an earth-shaking tantrum in the produce section. Meanwhile, her mother—clearly a seasoned veteran of public...