In what experts are calling “technically not new, but still sort of a bummer,” reports are surfacing that some people, in fact, are dying.
The revelation has stunned absolutely no one, yet continues to be treated as breaking news by local relatives who “can’t believe it happened,” despite the fact that it happens literally all the time.
“Yeah, turns out people are dying,” said Dr. Amanda Kepler, a medical researcher who admitted she’s been observing the trend for decades. “We’ve been running the numbers, and so far the data suggests that 100 percent of people are dying. It’s honestly pretty conclusive.”
Eyewitnesses to the phenomenon described the scene as “sad, but also confusingly predictable,” with one man noting that his grandfather’s death was “a real shock, except for the part where he was 97 years old and had been complaining about death being overdue since the Carter administration.”
Government officials pledged swift action, announcing they will form a bipartisan task force to study whether anything can be done, before quietly dying themselves.
Meanwhile, pharmaceutical companies have reassured the public that they are hard at work on solutions, including expensive supplements labeled “Not Death™,” which early studies show are about as effective as kale.
At press time, experts confirmed that more people are expected to die later today, tomorrow, and indefinitely into the future, a development that sources say is “deeply concerning but also kind of the whole deal with being alive.”
