PORTLAND, OR — In anticipation of this weekend’s peaceful protest that definitely won’t involve any windows mysteriously shattering themselves, city health officials have released a helpful reminder to all would-be demonstrators: “Don’t forget to stretch before yeeting.”
“Too many young activists are pulling muscles mid-toss,” said Dr. Skylar Moonstone, the city’s new Wellness Equity Coordinator. “We’re seeing a spike in rotator cuff injuries and sprained ankles—most of which could be avoided with a simple warm-up before peacefully hurling bricks at federal buildings.”
The city has partnered with a local yoga studio to offer pre-riot flow sessions, including poses like Molotov Mountain, Window Breaker Warrior, and Downward Facing Cop. Participants are also given gluten-free electrolyte bars and biodegradable masks so they can loot sustainably.
“We’re not saying people should throw things,” clarified Portland’s mayor, while standing in front of a freshly torched porta potty. “We’re just saying—if you’re going to chuck something through a Starbucks window, please do it with proper form and alignment.”
Officials are also handing out pamphlets reminding protesters to lift with their legs, breathe mindfully, and ice their throwing arm between rounds of peaceful property destruction.
At press time, organizers were handing out commemorative stretch bands that read: “Riot Responsibly.”
