Oregon meteorologists have officially given up. After a week that included sunshine, rain, and snow—sometimes all in the same afternoon—local weather forecasters admitted they are now just blindly throwing darts at a weather map and hoping for the best.
“Look, we tried,” said That Oregon Life's chief meteorologist Dave Reynolds, gesturing toward a Doppler radar that looked like it had been attacked with finger paint. “We used all the fancy models, the satellites, the science. But when you wake up to a snowstorm, eat lunch in the sunshine, and then drive home through a monsoon, you start to wonder if maybe—just maybe—none of this makes sense.”
The new "dartboard method" was first introduced on Monday after a forecaster confidently predicted a mild, partly sunny day, only to find himself trapped in a freak hailstorm outside the station minutes later. The station’s weather team, tired of being publicly humiliated by Mother Nature, gathered in the break room, taped an Oregon map to the wall, and started hurling darts labeled with different weather conditions.
“It’s surprisingly accurate,” said meteorologist Emily Carter. “Yesterday we landed on ‘freezing fog, sudden hail, and an inexplicable rainbow,’ and sure enough, that’s exactly what happened.”
The chaotic forecast has left Oregonians in a constant state of wardrobe confusion. One Portland resident reported leaving the house in a t-shirt and sunglasses, only to be pelted with ice cubes from the sky moments later. A Eugene woman attempted to take her dog for a walk but had to turn back three times—first for snow boots, then for a raincoat, then for SPF 50.
Meanwhile, clothing retailers have started selling "March in Oregon Starter Packs," which include a winter coat, rain poncho, shorts, hiking boots, flip-flops, and a sense of existential dread. A local sporting goods store in Bend reported a massive surge in sales of snow chains and pool floaties in the same day.
Meteorologists warn that the madness isn’t over yet. "We're expecting 'some kind of weather' over the next few days,” said Reynolds, spinning a small wheel labeled “rain,” “sun,” “snow,” “apocalypse,” and “shrug emoji.” “Honestly, your guess is as good as ours.”
Adding to the absurdity, spring is technically just around the corner, a fact that means absolutely nothing to Oregon. The season of renewal and blooming flowers is instead being greeted with spontaneous blizzards and rain so aggressive it feels personal. Local residents say they won’t believe it’s actually spring until they see a daffodil survive more than 24 hours without being buried under fresh snow.
Residents are advised to pack for every possible scenario and avoid making any solid plans unless they’re prepared for the sky to personally betray them.
