BREAKING: The long-awaited Epstein list is finally set to be released today, and officials insist—without a single wink or nervous glance—that it is completely unaltered, totally uncompromised, and in no way missing any names that might cause billionaires to break out in cold sweats.
“This is the full, unedited list, exactly as it was,” said a government spokesperson, carefully positioning their body in front of a nearby shredder. “Every single person who had any involvement whatsoever is accounted for. You can trust us, because, well… you have to.”
The document, already leaked in pieces online, appears to contain a remarkably high number of grocery store clerks, dog walkers, and people named Chad who nobody has ever heard of. Meanwhile, certain well-known billionaires, high-ranking officials, and media moguls are noticeably absent. A closer examination reveals that some pages have been completely blacked out, while others contain names suspiciously scribbled over in what appears to be crayon.
Despite widespread skepticism, government agencies are standing firm. “It’s outrageous that people think we would ever tamper with something this important,” said an anonymous FBI official, hastily deleting emails. “We take transparency very seriously, which is why this list is coming out in full—just as soon as we finish our routine ‘national security adjustments.’”
Critics, however, remain unconvinced. “Let me guess,” said one independent journalist, scrolling through the document. “Prince Andrew? Nope. That one Hollywood mogul? Nowhere to be found. Oh, but look! There’s a janitor from Tulsa. Definitely the mastermind behind all of this.”
Meanwhile, the media has already pivoted to covering a celebrity breakup, a sudden UFO sighting, and a shocking new study that claims drinking water may or may not be bad for you.
At press time, multiple billionaires were spotted frantically calling their lawyers, while a government agency issued a follow-up statement promising that anyone caught spreading “misinformation” about the list would be dealt with accordingly. When asked to clarify what they meant by “misinformation,” officials responded with a shrug before the lights in the press room mysteriously flickered off.
