In a shocking yet somehow predictable turn of events, Idaho has officially pulled out of the Greater Idaho Movement, citing grave concerns over what officials have dubbed “the Devil’s Garden of Unholy Plants” festering just across the state line in Oregon.
“We had a vision,” explained Idaho’s spokesperson, Karl ‘Pure-as-the-Driven-Snow’ Johnson. “We dreamed of a larger, holier Idaho where good, clean-living folks could raise families free of sin, vice, and moral corruption. But then we remembered... Oregon has that thing—the Devil’s Lettuce—and we cannot risk it infiltrating our holy land.”
Lock Up Your Animals and Board Up Your Windows
According to War On Drugs expert Linda Blair, Idaho officials are right to be concerned. “When marijuana infiltrates a community, chaos and corruption are never far behind,” Blair explained. “First, you’ll see an increase in reckless behavior—people discussing philosophy, wearing tie-dye, and expressing unfiltered joy. But it won’t stop there.”
Blair went on to explain that, under the influence of the Devil’s Lettuce, clothes start falling off for no reason whatsoever. “You’ll have marijuana-fueled orgies happening right next to churches, people streaking through the streets, and spontaneous drum circles popping up on every corner,” Blair said, clutching her pearls. “It’s utter madness.”
The Smoke of Hell
Idaho officials fear that if they allowed the annexation to go through, the state would be overrun with demonic marijuanas growing wild everywhere. “The Devil’s Garden is real,” Blair continued. “I call it The Smoke of Hell. If Idaho doesn’t keep this evil influence at bay, we could see Satan himself strolling through Boise, enjoying the summer weather and wreaking havoc on innocent lives.”
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Residents of Idaho are also concerned about the fate of their beloved animals. Reports from Oregon suggest that pets exposed to marijuana become hopelessly possessed. “After only two hits of marijuana, our neighbor’s dog was speaking in tongues,” said one Idaho resident. “We had to perform an emergency exorcism just to get it to stop chasing its own tail.”
Reefer Madness in Greater Idaho
Local residents are terrified of what might happen if the Devil’s Garden spreads into their territory. “We saw what happened in Oregon after they legalized it,” said one concerned citizen. “People started injecting THC with syringes like it was some sort of super-serum, and teenagers were rioting in the streets like wild zombies. No way are we letting that kind of madness cross our borders.”
Idaho officials were reportedly terrified after watching a special screening of Reefer Madness, which they described as a “documentary exposing the unholy power of marijuana.” The thought of Oregon’s unholy plants crossing the border and turning Idahoans into jazz-loving, moral degenerates was simply too much to bear.
Despite the setback, Idaho residents remain optimistic about the future. They’re currently brainstorming new expansion plans that don’t involve “an agricultural Armageddon” of devilish weeds. Early ideas include annexing Canada, provided they promise to keep their maple syrup untainted by “the Devil’s Garden.”
In the meantime, Idaho residents are taking precautionary measures to protect their borders from any potential influence of the Devil’s Garden, including organizing prayer circles, installing signs that say “KEEP OREGON’S UNHOLY PLANTS AWAY,” and doubling their consumption of potato-based comfort foods to ward off temptation.
Disclaimer: This article is satirical and intended for entertainment purposes only. While the Greater Idaho Movement is a real political initiative, all references to unholy plants, the Devil’s Garden, marijuana-fueled chaos, demonic possession, and supernatural phenomena are purely fictional and exaggerated for comedic effect. Any resemblance to real-life events, characters, or locations is coincidental. We do not intend to misrepresent the Greater Idaho Movement or any individuals involved. Please enjoy responsibly and remember: this is not real news.
