A groundbreaking new study from the Oregon Institute of Unwanted Visuals has confirmed what most hot springs visitors already suspected: a shocking 97% of nudists have exactly the kind of body no one, under any circumstances, wants to see unclothed.
The study, which surveyed thousands of unfortunate hikers who made the mistake of stopping for a soak at Oregon’s most popular hot springs, revealed an overwhelming pattern. Without fail, the people most eager to strip down in public were the ones science—and common decency—suggests should never do so.
“It’s like they all have a sixth sense,” said lead researcher Dr. Lauren DeWitt, who spent six months studying the disturbing phenomenon. “As soon as a hot spring is discovered, it’s as if a silent signal is sent out to every saggy, sun-damaged, tie-dye-wearing, barefoot-in-WinCo person within a 100-mile radius. They flock to the site, remove every piece of clothing within seconds, and then… they just exist in the water, unapologetically.”
The Naked and the Afraid (Of What They’ve Seen)
Among the top findings in the study, researchers noted that nearly 82% of hot springs nudists were elderly men named Bear who had somehow managed to tan everything except their upper thighs. An additional 12% were free-spirited women over 60 who insisted that wearing a shirt was “a construct of the patriarchy.” The remaining 3% were unusually hairy men who always sit on the log you were about to sit on.
“These are the kind of people whose bodies have never even heard of Pilates,” said DeWitt. “The kind of people who have zero concern for angles. They don’t even try to strategically place a towel. No cross-legged modesty, no water-level coverage—just full, uninhibited universe exposure.”
One witness, a 27-year-old hiker named Matt, recalled his traumatic first visit to Umpqua Hot Springs. “I walked up, ready to relax, but then I saw him—an old dude named Lenny standing in waist-deep water, hands on his hips, laughing way too hard at a joke no one told. He was like a Greek statue, if Greek statues had dad bods and tribal tattoos that lost the war against gravity.”
“I’ll Never Be The Same”
The psychological damage caused by these encounters is measurable. The study found that 94% of first-time visitors immediately regretted their decision within seconds of arrival. A full 77% left within ten minutes, and the remaining 23% were held hostage by an unsolicited deep conversation about chakras.
“Every time I blink, I still see them,” whispered one victim, who asked to remain anonymous. “The beards, the belly-button dreadlocks, the absolute lack of awareness that anyone else existed. I made eye contact with a man adjusting his knee brace, and I think he felt my soul leave my body.”
To make matters worse, the study concluded that hot springs nudists are the most aggressively confident people on the planet. “These people don’t just get naked, they get deliberately naked,” DeWitt explained. “They don’t just sit in the hot spring, they stand up for no reason—stretching, air-drying, conversing at full height.”
A Dire Warning for Hikers
Following the study, researchers have issued an official advisory for anyone considering a trip to Oregon’s natural hot springs:
- If you hear bongo drums before you even see the water, turn around immediately.
- If a man named “Storm” asks if you have any rolling papers, do not engage.
- If you see a cooler full of organic hummus and someone drinking out of a mason jar, you have entered the danger zone.
Meanwhile, the 97% of nudists identified in the study remain completely unaware of their impact. “People are too uptight,” said one subject, a 72-year-old former school bus driver named Dale, standing with one foot up on a rock for no reason whatsoever. “I used to wear clothes, but then I realized—why live in fear?”
Why indeed, Dale. Why indeed.
