PORTLAND, OR – As Oregon remains firmly locked in its annual five-month-long “Gray Gloom Death Spiral,” residents are reporting extreme cases of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), with some even exhibiting plant-like behaviors in desperate attempts to absorb any available light.
Eyewitnesses claim that at exactly 11:47 AM yesterday, when the sun broke through the clouds for a record-setting 42 seconds, multiple Portlanders could be seen stretching their arms skyward like wilted houseplants, faces contorted in an expression of what appeared to be religious ecstasy.
“I swear I saw a guy standing outside Fred Meyer with his mouth open, trying to photosynthesize,” said local barista Jasmine Reynolds. “He just stood there, motionless, staring at the sky, whispering ‘finally…’ under his breath.”
Scientists Confirm Oregon Is the Worst Place on Earth in February
A recent study from the University of Oregon confirms what residents have long suspected: Oregon is, in fact, the single worst place on Earth to exist during the month of February.
“It’s essentially living inside a wet sock,” said Dr. Philip Malweather, a local meteorologist. “The air is damp, the sun is a distant memory, and everyone you know is either buying a sun lamp, booking a flight to Hawaii, or googling ‘symptoms of vitamin D deficiency.’”
He added, “By this point in the winter, even the vampires are getting sick of it.”
SAD Lamps: A Lifeline or a Cruel Joke?
To combat the crushing weight of the eternal gray, many Oregonians have resorted to using SAD lamps, but results remain mixed.
“I got one of those fancy therapy lamps,” said Beaverton resident Kyle Thompson. “But when I turned it on, my cat mistook it for the actual sun and has been worshiping it ever since. I’m honestly kind of jealous of his optimism.”
Others, like Corvallis resident Becky McMasters, report overuse issues: “I sat in front of my SAD lamp for six hours straight and then walked into my kitchen thinking I was in Mexico. I was severely disappointed.”
Oregon Health Officials Issue Warning as Locals Start Hallucinating Spring
With weeks of relentless rain ahead, health officials are now issuing a public safety warning after multiple reports of Oregonians hallucinating signs of spring.
“Just yesterday, I saw a man in Eugene standing outside in shorts and flip-flops, confidently claiming he ‘felt a shift in the air,’” said Dr. Malweather. “Please. We all know spring doesn’t start until June.”
Authorities advise distracting yourself with overpriced lattes, re-watching ‘Portlandia,’ and starting a completely unrealistic home project you’ll abandon by March.
Until then, experts say the only real solution is to embrace the rain, hunker down, and hold out for the four glorious weeks of summer that will arrive… at some point… probably.
