In a stunning turn of events, the Greater Idaho movement has thrown out its old map, crumpled it into a wad of regret, and decided to annex the entire state of Oregon—except Portland, which they claim is “too far gone” to save.
“We realized we were thinking way too small,” said Greater Idaho spokesperson Buck “Patriot” Gunderson, adjusting his camo “Make Oregon Idaho” hat. “At first, we just wanted Eastern Oregon, but then we thought, ‘Why stop there? The whole state has potential, minus Portland. Portland’s a lost cause.”
It Was Always About the Oregon Coast
One of the biggest driving forces behind the complete takeover? The Oregon Coast. Idahoans have long suffered from a painful lack of ocean, and they’ve finally had enough.
“We got lakes, we got rivers, but you know what we don’t have? The dang Pacific Ocean,” said Greater Idaho official Cletus Waggoner. “You ever try to pretend a lake is the ocean? It’s not the same, man. We want waves, we want seafood, and we want seagulls that steal our fries at Mo’s.”
Under the new Greater Idaho plan, every inch of the Oregon coastline will be claimed by Idaho, officially making it “Idaho’s Beach.” T-shirt designs are already in the works.
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“I mean, come on, we were never gonna stop at Baker City,” admitted Waggoner. “We were just easing y’all into it. Now, hand over Lincoln City and nobody gets hurt.”
Portland: Left Behind and Walled Off
Portland will be officially cut off from the new Idaho, walled in like a failed science experiment gone too woke to function.
“That’s right. A wall. A big, beautiful wall,” said Gunderson. “It’ll keep Portland inside Portland, where it belongs. And the best part is, we will make Portland pay for it!”
The wall, which is already being designed by Idaho construction firms, will feature:
- A complete perimeter blockade—no more sneaking out for a secret trip to Cracker Barrel.
- Guard towers equipped with laser pointers to distract hipsters and slow their escape attempts.
- Signs that say ‘NO FREE WIFI’ to deter Portlanders from trying to loiter near the border.
Greater Idaho has also confirmed that under no circumstances will Portlanders be allowed inside the new Idaho unless they:
- Spend 48 hours in a rural town without complaining about the lack of a Whole Foods, a gender-neutral bathroom, or bike lanes.
- Start a fire using only sticks and flint—and no, not their overpriced REI camping gear or a $200 Patagonia windproof lighter.
- Drive a pickup truck with a manual transmission on a dirt road without crying about fossil fuels or asking where the nearest EV charging station is.
- Successfully gut and clean a fish without dry-heaving and launching into a TED Talk about the ethics of animal consumption.
- Go hunting, bring down a deer, and eat the meat—without trying to name the deer first or writing a Medium post about how it "deeply changed" them.
- Fix a flat tire on an old Ford F-150 without calling AAA, crying, or launching into a speech about the patriarchy.
- Spend an entire day outside without checking their phone for Instagram notifications or climate change panic updates.
- Ditch the skinny jeans as they will immediately be banned in the new Idaho territory.
“We’re not asking much,” said Greater Idaho official Cletus Waggoner. “Just prove you can function outside of a bougie coffee shop and survive more than two minutes in real America. Otherwise, enjoy your walled-off socialist utopia.”
One Portland resident, Fiona Moonbeam (she/her), was devastated. “What do you mean I can’t visit Cannon Beach anymore? I’ve been curating an organic, fair-trade picnic spot there for years! This is violence!”
Absolutely No More “Devil’s Lettuce”
As part of the transition, Greater Idaho officials have also announced a full-scale ban on recreational marijuana—a move that is sending shockwaves through Eugene, Bend, and Ashland.
“We’re done with all that hippie devil's lettuce nonsense,” declared Gunderson. “Idahoans get high on life—or at least on Busch Light.”
Marijuana dispensaries will be immediately replaced with gun stores, bait shops, and at least five new Dollar Generals per town.
Local Eugene resident Kyle “Skywalker” Anderson was visibly shaken. “Bro, what am I supposed to do now? Just… like… exist?”
Despite the protests, Greater Idaho leadership remains firm. “They’ll get over it,” said Waggoner. “Give ‘em a fishing pole and a six-pack, and they’ll be fine.”
Eugene and Other Left-Leaning Towns Will “Come Around” Eventually
While Eugene, Bend, and Ashland have raised concerns about being absorbed into Idaho, Greater Idaho leaders remain confident that these cities will eventually warm up to the idea.
“We’re not worried,” said Gunderson. “We’ve done the math, and it turns out a lot of Eugene folks already own Carhartt jackets and grow their own food. That’s half the battle right there.”
When asked how the transition will work, he explained, “At first, we’ll just start replacing their organic tofu with Idaho potatoes. Slowly but surely, they’ll come around.”
Greater Idaho has also promised Bend residents that they can keep their breweries, as long as they start serving Coors Light alongside their IPAs.
Finalizing the Takeover
With the plan now in full swing, Idaho Governor Brad Little has confirmed that the new state lines are simply a formality at this point. “We’ve already started swapping out road signs and installing Idaho gas stations. If you see a Stinker Station pop up in Eugene, just know—it’s already over.”
As the transition progresses, former Oregonians (now Idahoans) are expected to see changes, including:
- A mandatory “Idaho 101” history course (main takeaway: potatoes are very important).
- All coffee shops must replace avocado toast with a mandatory ‘Idaho Breakfast Special’—a triple-stack of pancakes, six strips of bacon, and a coffee that doesn’t cost $8.
- A ban on the word “artisan” unless it refers to a tool, a horse, or a firearm.
Meanwhile, Portland remains in shock, abandoned like an old Prius in a Whole Foods parking lot.
“Honestly, we didn’t think they’d actually do it,” said longtime Portland resident Jasper Evergreen. “But I guess this means I need to start preparing for the People’s Republic of Portland. Anyone got tips on setting up an independent nation?”
As the last of Oregon (minus Portland) settles into its new Idaho identity, the only question left is:
Will Idahoans finally get a decent clam chowder?
Only time will tell.
Disclaimer: This article is entirely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only. The Greater Idaho movement has not actually announced plans to annex all of Oregon, nor are they building a giant wall around Portland (as funny as that may sound). No Portlanders were harmed in the making of this article, though a few might be clutching their oat milk lattes a little tighter. If you find yourself deeply offended, please take a deep breath, step outside, and touch some grass—preferably outside city limits.
