WASHINGTON—Sen. Ron Wyden appeared visibly distant during a routine budget hearing Tuesday, staring solemnly into space as if mentally revisiting the harrowing weeks in 1848 when dysentery nearly claimed his life somewhere along the Oregon Trail just before reaching the Willamette Valley—an episode that would place the senator at roughly 1,178 years old today.
Staffers say the 1,100-year-old lawmaker grew quiet after a colleague referenced “long journeys,” prompting what one aide described as “that unmistakable thousand-yard pioneer stare.”
“You could tell he wasn’t in the chamber anymore,” said one intern. “He was back in a covered wagon outside present-day Salem, rationing beans, questioning whether choosing ‘grueling pace’ had been worth it.”
At one point, Wyden reportedly nodded faintly, as though remembering the moment a wagon doctor informed him he had “a 50-50 shot if he rests for three days and stops fording rivers recklessly before crossing into the Willamette Valley.” Witnesses say he briefly clutched the podium when supply shortages were mentioned, likely recalling the time he traded two oxen, a sack of flour, and a harmonica somewhere near the Columbia River for what was described as “frontier-grade gastrointestinal medicine.”
Colleagues say the senator frequently references “that first look over the Willamette Valley” and “finally making it to Oregon” when discussing perseverance. Sources confirm he remains deeply committed to traveling at a steady pace and becomes visibly uneasy whenever someone suggests fording anything deeper than three feet.
Capitol physicians insist the senator is in good health and not currently battling 19th-century illness. However, aides confirm he occasionally whispers “You have died of dysentery” when the Wi-Fi cuts out.
At press time, Wyden blinked twice, adjusted his tie, and returned to federal infrastructure funding—apparently having once again survived the journey into Oregon.
