In a rare moment of bipartisan unity, Americans across the political spectrum confirmed this week that the $4.99 Costco rotisserie chicken is the only thing keeping the United States from plunging into complete and irreversible economic ruin.
Economists say the chicken’s miraculous ability to remain under five dollars for over a decade—despite inflation, supply chain crises, and a nationwide egg shortage—has become the final tether holding the U.S. economy together.
“If that price ever goes up, we’re talking Mad Max in the streets,” warned Dr. Harold Fenwick, senior analyst at the American Institute for Fiscal Stability. “No law, no order, just gangs of people in leather vests riding dirt bikes and fighting over the last bird in the warming case.”
Costco executives have reportedly confirmed the price will remain fixed “no matter what it does to the company’s balance sheet,” citing a top-secret corporate philosophy known internally as Operation Keep Society From Eating Itself.
Shoppers agree the chicken is the only product left in America that doesn’t require a personal loan. “I came here for paper towels and left with three chickens,” said Portland resident Laura Bishop, who admitted she had no real dinner plans but “just needed to feel something affordable.”
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The Federal Reserve is rumored to be exploring a radical plan to stabilize the economy by introducing a “chicken standard,” pegging the value of the U.S. dollar directly to the price of the Costco rotisserie chicken. Under this system, a gallon of gas could cost “0.8 chickens” while a median home might go for “74,000 chickens, give or take.”
Financial experts caution that if the price ever rises to $5.99, the country’s fragile economy could implode within hours. “It would make the Great Depression look like a clearance sale,” said Fenwick.
In unrelated news, FEMA has reportedly stockpiled over 8 million Costco chickens in underground bunkers “just in case.”
