PALM BEACH, FL — After years of public praise, private DMs, and the occasional awkward photo op, former President Donald J. Trump and tech billionaire Elon Musk have officially filed for divorce, ending what many believed to be the most chaotic power couple in modern American history.
Court documents filed early Wednesday list the cause of the split as “irreparable ego collisions and mutual shadowbanning.”
“It’s a sad day,” Trump told reporters from his gilded golf cart. “I gave him everything — retweets, love, support, even let him land rockets in my heart. And what did I get? Nothing. Not even a Cybertruck with gold trim.”
Sources say tensions had been mounting for months. Trump reportedly became frustrated when Musk refused to install Truth Social as a factory app on all Teslas, while Musk grew tired of Trump “calling at all hours to ask if he looked jacked in his mugshot.”
“Elon needs space,” said one SpaceX insider. “And not just the literal kind. He said being with Trump was like having a 24/7 push notification yelling at you.”
But insiders say the final blow came during a private conversation when Musk allegedly confronted Trump about the Epstein flight logs.
“Elon just blurted it out — asked if Trump had been to the island,” said one anonymous source close to the situation. “Trump turned red, threw his Diet Coke at the wall, and started yelling about ‘fake lists’ and ‘loser submarines.’ After that, it was over.”
According to leaked settlement terms, Trump will retain exclusive rights to “truthing,” a slightly used golf cart shaped like a Falcon 9, and partial influence over X’s reply guy algorithm. Musk will keep the rest of Earth’s bandwidth, full custody of Dogecoin, and their joint Neuralink tattoo — now being lasered off at an undisclosed location.
Meanwhile, legal analysts say the court may need to intervene to divide one shared asset: the phrase “I Alone Can Fix It.”
While both men insist they wish the other well, Trump has already hinted at a new partnership.
“I might start seeing someone else,” Trump said. “Maybe Bezos. He’s bald, but he listens.”
Musk responded by tweeting a GIF of a space shuttle lifting off with the caption, “Freedom.”
