BEDMINSTER, NJ — In a bold move to “bring back law, order, and Geoffrey the Giraffe,” former President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he will personally oversee the reopening of defunct toy store chain Toys “R” Us — this time as a maximum security prison exclusively for unruly children.
“This isn’t just any prison, folks. It’s the best prison. Incredible prison. Some say the most fun you can have in solitary confinement,” Trump declared at a press event flanked by a visibly concerned animatronic Tickle Me Elmo in a flak vest.
The facility, dubbed "Toys R Us Penitentiary for the Misguided Youth (TRUPMY)", will reportedly feature padded time-out cells, reinforced LEGO brick walls, and an inescapable Play-Doh yard. Repeat offenders will be sentenced to 30 days of listening to the "Baby Shark" remix on loop in a room filled with expired Lunchables.
Sources say the warden will be a retired mall Santa with PTSD, and all guards will be dressed as overly judgmental Build-A-Bears.
“These kids today — they throw tantrums in Whole Foods, they scream in Target, they bite substitute teachers,” Trump said. “Back in my day, if you mouthed off, you got sent to the corner. Now? Boom. Right to Geoffrey’s Gulag.”
Critics say the plan is dystopian and unhinged, while supporters say it’s “about time someone held these juice-box tyrants accountable.”
Trump further added that he may expand the program by turning defunct Chuck E. Cheeses into adult minimum-security tax fraud retreats, and is also in talks to convert former Claire’s kiosks into ear-piercing interrogation rooms.
At press time, Eric Trump was seen nervously asking if the prison accepts grown men who still throw tantrums in public.
