TROUTDALE, OR — In a shocking display of seasonal overconfidence, local man Darren Melby was reportedly seen walking down Main Street in a salmon-pink tank top Thursday morning, sending townsfolk into a mild panic and causing three drivers to swerve.
“He was just out there, arms fully exposed like it was mid-July,” said eyewitness Carol Finch, clutching a windbreaker. “I could practically hear his skin sizzling.”
Residents described Melby’s complexion as “unfrosted Pop-Tart,” “refrigerated tofu,” and “possibly medically significant.”
Sources say the 33-year-old had not been outdoors for more than eight consecutive minutes since October and emerged only after seeing a weather app mistakenly report 61 degrees as “sunny.”
“He looked dazed, like a moth flying into a headlamp,” said one bystander. “Honestly, I thought he was lost. Or unwell. Or both.”
At press time, Melby was seen re-entering his basement apartment muttering something about “not being emotionally ready for May.” His tank top had begun to wilt.
