Pale Little Oregon Man Spotted in Tank Top; Witnesses in Troutdale Call It “Too Soon”

by | May 1, 2025 | Humor, News, Satire

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TROUTDALE, OR — In a shocking display of seasonal overconfidence, local man Darren Melby was reportedly seen walking down Main Street in a salmon-pink tank top Thursday morning, sending townsfolk into a mild panic and causing three drivers to swerve.

“He was just out there, arms fully exposed like it was mid-July,” said eyewitness Carol Finch, clutching a windbreaker. “I could practically hear his skin sizzling.”

Residents described Melby’s complexion as “unfrosted Pop-Tart,” “refrigerated tofu,” and “possibly medically significant.”

Sources say the 33-year-old had not been outdoors for more than eight consecutive minutes since October and emerged only after seeing a weather app mistakenly report 61 degrees as “sunny.”

“He looked dazed, like a moth flying into a headlamp,” said one bystander. “Honestly, I thought he was lost. Or unwell. Or both.”

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At press time, Melby was seen re-entering his basement apartment muttering something about “not being emotionally ready for May.” His tank top had begun to wilt.


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Written By Tyler James

Tyler James, founder of That Oregon Life, is a true Oregon native whose love for his state runs deep. Since the inception of the blog in 2013, his unbridled passion for outdoor adventures and the natural beauty of Oregon has been the cornerstone of his work. As a father to two beautiful children, Tyler is always in pursuit of new experiences to enrich his family’s life. He curates content that not only reflects his adventures but also encourages others to set out and create precious memories in the majestic landscapes of Oregon. Tyler's vision and guidance are integral to his role as publisher and editor, shaping the blog into a source of inspiration for exploring the wonders of Oregon.

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