WASHINGTON, D.C. — As tensions between India and Pakistan escalated into open conflict this week, something miraculous happened in the United States: millions of Americans experienced their first peaceful morning without a single scam call about their car’s extended warranty, a suspicious Amazon order, or “urgent legal action” from the IRS.
Officials at the FCC were initially baffled by the sudden radio silence. “We thought maybe our anti-robocall legislation had finally worked,” said Chairman Brent “Do Not Disturb” Larson. “Then we remembered we’ve never actually enforced any of that, so… no.”
Analysts quickly traced the drop in scam activity to a full-scale military engagement unfolding half a world away. “It’s really unfortunate for the region,” said one Pentagon official, “but on the upside, nobody in Portland got a call today claiming to be ‘David from Microsoft Tech Support.’ So, you know… silver linings.”
In Oregon, locals were reportedly in a state of confused bliss. “I was halfway through my morning cold brew when I realized my phone hadn’t vibrated once,” said Salem resident Becky Granger. “No alerts from Chase Bank about accounts I don’t have. No calls from the ‘Social Security Department’ threatening arrest. I thought I died and went to Bend.”
Meanwhile, call center employees on both sides of the border have reportedly taken up new roles. One former “Windows Security Specialist” is now a tank mechanic. Another admitted, “I tried to scam a Pakistani soldier by pretending to be the IRS. He scammed me back by taking my outpost.”
White House sources confirm President Biden is considering sending Kamala Harris to the region “to keep the peace, or at least distract everyone long enough for Verizon customers to remember what silence sounds like.”
The FCC is urging citizens to enjoy this fleeting period of peace before international de-escalation ruins everything.
