Springfield, OR — Residents were once again left clutching their pearls this week after hearing rumors about yet another offbeat strip club opening in their neighborhood — but this time, it’s not pregnant women causing a stir. It’s grandmothers.
The new establishment, opening just outside of downtown Springfield, is called Granny Grinders, and it promises “premium entertainment for patrons who like their lap dances with a side of Metamucil.” The club's main requirement for performers? Every dancer must be at least 65 years old.
Club owner Buck Jackson, 56, says this is the natural evolution of adult entertainment.
“People laughed when I opened the pregnant one over 10 years ago,” Jackson told That Oregon Life, sipping a lukewarm Coors Banquet from a travel mug with “#1 Dad” Sharpied on the side. “Said I was crazy. Said no one would pay to see third-trimester twerking. But Baby Bumpers was packed wall to wall with dudes who’d never even held a baby. Now I’m doubling down. If folks lined up for swollen ankles, wait till they see a woman drop it low and then need help getting back up.”
Jackson says the idea came to him while visiting his aunt at a local retirement home.
“I walked into that place and thought, damn… these ladies still got it. Ethel winked at me during Wheel of Fortune and I just knew.”
The building that will house Granny Grinders was once a video rental store, then a vape shop, then a failed axe-throwing studio. Now, it’s being reborn with velvet wallpaper, heavy curtains, and bingo tables that double as dance stages.
Lap Dances and Life Alerts
The club will feature themed nights such as:
- “Bingo & Boobs” Tuesdays
- “Matlock & Milkshakes” Fridays
- And the increasingly popular “No Teeth, No Problem” Wednesdays, where dentures are optional and Werther’s Originals are complimentary.
Each performance is expected to last about 3–5 minutes, or until the dancer needs to sit down. The pole has been reinforced with rebar and prayer.
Community Reactions
One local man, who asked not to be named but smelled faintly of cigars and regret, said he plans to become a “regular donor to the cause.”
“I like ‘em wise,” he said, pausing for dramatic effect. “And I love bingo. This is honestly perfect.”
Others weren’t as excited. A woman walking her dog near the building scoffed and said, “I mean, it’s Springfield, so nothing shocks me anymore. Last week someone tried to sell me a goat on OfferUp and threw in a free vape.”
Positions Still Open
Jackson says they’re currently hiring and encourages all interested performers to apply, as long as they can provide proof of age, are physically capable of climbing two stairs, and can yell “BINGO!” without choking on a butterscotch candy.
“We’ve got a nurse on call, cushioned flooring, and a buffet that starts at 3 p.m. sharp,” Jackson added. “It’s basically a strip club meets Shady Pines.”
