PORTLAND, OR — In a quiet yet deeply emotional statewide advisory issued Monday morning, Oregonians were lovingly reminded that it has, in fact, been way too damn long since they last watched Stand By Me—the 1986 cinematic treasure filmed right here in the Beaver State and designed specifically to make you feel nostalgic, sad, and weirdly motivated to call your childhood best friend.
The reminder came via a subtle statewide push notification from the Department of Emotional Maintenance and Softboy Regulation, which simply read: “Watch Stand By Me. It’s time.”
“It’s not a mandate, just a gentle prod,” said agency spokesperson Claire Weller, clutching a worn VHS copy. “We’re not saying you’re spiritually malnourished or emotionally vacant… but if you haven’t cried while watching River Phoenix walk down those tracks lately, we’re not not saying that either.”
The advisory includes several key symptoms that may indicate you're overdue:
- You’ve recently said the phrase “They don’t make movies like they used to” while scrolling Netflix.
- You vaguely miss your childhood friends, even the weird one who always carried a comb but never used it.
- You forgot that Wil Wheaton was actually good in something.
- You haven’t mentally revisited the exact moment you realized you, too, would someday die.
While some residents shrugged off the recommendation, others took swift action. “I put it on last night just to check the picture quality,” said Eugene resident Darren Moore. “Four minutes in and I was emotionally destroyed. It was perfect.”
Local streaming platforms reported a 700% increase in Stand By Me views within 12 hours of the alert, with multiple Oregon households reportedly pausing the film right before the leech scene to emotionally prepare.
The Oregon Film Tourism Board has also chimed in, noting this is “an excellent opportunity to revisit the state's cinematic glory years, before every indie film was just people staring silently in the rain.”
Officials encourage all residents to carve out 89 minutes, make a grilled cheese, and quietly whisper “train dodge scene still holds up” before softly weeping through the final voiceover.
More updates will be provided after everyone has had a good cry.
