PORTLAND, OR — Local couple Brian and Jessica Holloway were overjoyed to snag floor tickets to see their favorite band live, dropping a casual $1,200 for what they expected to be a magical night of music, love, and unforgettable memories. Instead, they spent the entire concert staring at the backs of two absolute behemoths, whom scientists estimate were each at least 7 feet tall and possibly part oak tree.
“We got in early, right in the center, perfect view of the stage,” Brian recalled wistfully. “Then, right as the lights dimmed, these two human Sequoias waltzed up in front of us. I swear to God, they blocked out the pyrotechnics.”
Eyewitnesses confirm the couple made valiant attempts to navigate the colossal obstructions, but every maneuver proved useless. “I leaned left, but one guy had the spatial awareness of a refrigerator and just shifted his weight that way. I leaned right, and suddenly the other dude had to stretch. It was like they had sonar.”
Jessica, hopeful she could at least catch glimpses of the stage, tried jumping but found herself locked in an exhausting cardio workout. “By the third song, my knees gave out and I resigned myself to watching the show through the reflection of someone’s vape cloud.”
As the concert progressed, the couple adjusted to their new reality, tracking the music by crowd energy and the synchronized bobbing of two enormous necks. “I think the lead singer came to our side of the stage at one point,” Jessica guessed. “I can’t be sure, but I did catch a brief flash of movement between their shoulders.”
Despite their visual impairment, the couple attempted to make the best of the night. “At one point, I closed my eyes and pretended I was listening to a really immersive live album,” Brian admitted. “That was nice, except for the occasional distraction of a raised fist blocking the fireworks.”
After the encore, as the titanic men lumbered away, the couple caught their first unobstructed glimpse of the stage—just in time to watch the roadies pack up the instruments.
“We spent $1,200 to hear a band we could’ve streamed for free,” Jessica sighed. “But on the bright side, I now know what it feels like to be a toddler at a concert. A very broke toddler.”
