In a stunning turn of events Tuesday evening, household cat Mr. Biscuits has officially confirmed that he licked the lasagna, and, according to inside sources, would “do it again in a heartbeat.”
The lasagna, a bubbling tray of cheesy perfection prepared by 34-year-old Julia Patterson for her book club’s monthly gathering, was briefly left unattended on the kitchen counter. In those crucial 47 seconds, Mr. Biscuits executed what experts are now calling “a textbook drive-by lick,” targeting the upper left quadrant of the dish with terrifying precision.
“He was sitting on the windowsill, pretending to look out at birds,” said Patterson. “I walked away to grab a salad bowl and when I came back... he was just too casual. You know that guilty-but-smug look? Yeah. That.”
Panic and confusion quickly rippled through the group as the lasagna was brought to the table. Several guests, unaware of the incident, complimented the "lovely presentation" while others stared suspiciously at the strangely glistening cheese patch near the corner.
“I just wasn’t sure,” said Amanda Jenkins, fellow book club member and amateur cat behavior analyst. “There was this one spot that looked... wetter than it should have been. But I didn’t want to be that person, you know? So I just kind of nudged my piece away from it and hoped for the best.”
Tension escalated when someone found a single, perfectly preserved cat hair artfully nestled in the mozzarella. A heated debate followed.
“Could’ve floated down from the ceiling,” offered Patterson’s husband, Dan, who hadn’t read the book and was mostly there for the wine.
But then, like a smug little war criminal, Mr. Biscuits strutted into the room, leapt onto a chair, made deliberate eye contact with the crowd, and began loudly licking his own paw with the slow, satisfied rhythm of a creature who knows exactly what he’s done.
“He taunted us,” said Jenkins. “He licked his paw, then looked at the lasagna. Then licked the same paw again. It was psychological warfare.”
The final nail in the cheesy coffin came when security footage from Patterson’s pet cam revealed clear HD footage of Mr. Biscuits going full tongue-on-lasagna while glancing at the camera. At one point, he appeared to smirk.
Despite the undeniable evidence, Mr. Biscuits has expressed zero remorse. When reached for comment, he simply rolled over, exposed his belly, and meowed in a tone widely interpreted as mockery.
The lasagna, tragically, was retired to the trash. Book club members settled for chips and hummus while glancing bitterly at the unrepentant feline, who later vomited in the hallway for reasons unrelated but still somehow insulting.
A follow-up report indicates that Mr. Biscuits has since licked a stick of butter and is currently under 24-hour kitchen surveillance.
