Portland, OR – In what some are calling an act of divine intervention, local progressive and proud Kamala Harris supporter Jeremy Feldman returned to his parked Tesla Model 3 in downtown Portland on Tuesday night to find it completely intact—a statistical impossibility given current attitudes toward the Elon Musk-affiliated vehicle.
“I fully expected it to be either smashed, spray-painted with ‘EAT THE RICH,’ or stripped for parts by an anti-tech vigilante group,” said Feldman, still processing the unlikely turn of events. “But nope. She’s still here.”
The Tesla, which proudly displayed three ‘Coexist’ stickers, a ‘Harris 2024’ decal, and a ‘Stop Driving Cars’ bumper sticker, was parked near Powell’s Books for approximately one hour and forty-three minutes while Feldman attended a community meeting about reducing urban noise pollution.
Upon returning, Feldman cautiously circled the vehicle twice, expecting to find at least a shattered window or a passive-aggressive note about billionaires.
“I figured best-case scenario, someone just unplugged my charger out of spite,” he admitted. “But even my charging port was untouched.”
Local activists were equally shocked by the incident, with some speculating that the vehicle “simply didn’t look Tesla enough.”
“It had that worn-in look, like a struggling artist’s car,” said one witness, nodding approvingly. “If he had a Cybertruck, that thing would be on cinder blocks by now.”
A statistical anomaly? A sign of changing times? Or just an oversight by Portland’s nightly Tesla-haters? Regardless of the cause, Feldman says he’s not taking any more chances.
“I’m walking next time,” he said. “Or at least slapping a Bernie sticker on the back for camouflage.”
In an effort to further improve his odds of survival, Feldman is now strongly considering adding more progressive-leaning bumper stickers to his vehicle. Possible options include ‘Abolish Billionaires,’ ‘Defund Parking Enforcement,’ and ‘This Tesla Runs on Pure Socialist Tears.’
Additionally, Feldman has joined a therapy group for progressives who have no choice but to keep their Teslas, where members share coping strategies for distancing themselves from Elon Musk, brainstorm ways to disguise their cars as used Priuses, and offer emotional support for the ongoing ethical dilemma of owning a Tesla in 2025.
