A man in downtown Portland, spotted waving a machete in the air and passionately arguing with a lamppost, appears to be in dire need of a hug, according to multiple witnesses who observed the situation with a mix of concern and understanding.
"He wasn't really threatening anyone," said local coffee shop barista Jayden Marks, who watched from a safe distance while sipping an oat milk cortado. "It was more of a dramatic performance, like a one-man Shakespeare in the Park… but with a blade. I think he just needs someone to tell him it's going to be okay."
Passersby reported that the man, clad in what could only be described as "Portland streetwear" (a patchwork poncho, cargo shorts, and combat boots with one missing lace), was passionately gesturing with the machete while engaging in what seemed to be a heated debate with an unseen adversary. Some speculated he was arguing with society, while others believed he might have been debating the merits of single-origin coffee versus blends.
"He paused at one point and shouted something about kombucha being a government psyop," said Sarah Dunn, a pedestrian who had stopped to record a TikTok of the scene. "I mean, he’s not entirely wrong, but the machete part was a little concerning."
Authorities eventually arrived on the scene but seemed reluctant to escalate the situation. "At this point, he's just expressing himself," said Officer Mike Sanderson, who opted to maintain a respectful ten-foot buffer zone. "We don’t want to be the ones to suppress his creative energy. Honestly, the dude probably just needs a hug… but we’re not signing up for that."
Several bystanders briefly considered offering the man a free hug, a practice once popular in Portland before the pandemic, but hesitated when he began slicing an invisible enemy out of the air like he was fighting off ghosts. "That's when we decided emotional support should probably come from someone with, like… body armor," admitted local street musician Dax, who had been playing the ukulele nearby.
As of the latest report, the man had sheathed the machete into what appeared to be a handmade scabbard constructed from duct tape and a repurposed vegan leather belt. He then wandered off towards the waterfront, muttering something about "Big Timber" and "needing to touch grass."
Portland residents, known for their patience with the eccentric, collectively agreed that while machete-waving is typically frowned upon, what this man really needed wasn’t jail time—but maybe a warm meal, a nap, and a friend who listens.
