RURAL HIGHWAY, USA — In what experts are calling a “statistically impossible yet somehow inevitable event,” a local child has once again declared an urgent need to use the restroom precisely five minutes after the final available rest stop for 50 miles.
Eyewitnesses (namely, one extremely frustrated mother) confirm that just moments before the catastrophic announcement, the child was offered not one, but three separate opportunities to use a fully functioning, publicly maintained restroom. Despite these generous offers, the child adamantly insisted they did not have to go, even dramatically sighing and rolling their eyes when asked a second time.
“The audacity,” the mother muttered under her breath while gripping the steering wheel, white-knuckled.
The incident unfolded on a long stretch of highway known for its complete lack of bathrooms, gas stations, or any civilization whatsoever. Officials say this exact scenario has occurred on literally every family road trip since the dawn of time.
“I don’t know how they do it,” said Dr. Linda Reynolds, a leading expert in Inconvenient Bladder Syndrome. “Children have an almost supernatural ability to deny needing a restroom when one is readily available, only to be struck by an urgent, unbearable crisis the moment they pass the last possible exit. It’s an evolutionary mystery.”
Emergency measures were immediately considered, including a desperate roadside stop, but sources report that the child—upon realizing the only option involved squatting behind a bush—suddenly decided they could, in fact, hold it after all.
By the time the next gas station finally appeared on the horizon, the child allegedly no longer needed to go, sparking yet another wave of parental rage and muttered threats of “next time, you’re just gonna have to hold it.”
Meanwhile, highway authorities continue to investigate why, despite thousands of similar cases, no one has yet found a way to prevent this phenomenon. Until then, parents nationwide are advised to ignore their children’s false claims of bladder confidence and force them to try anyway.
More on this story as it develops—likely on the family’s next road trip.
