In a move that has sparked both confusion and concern, the City of Portland has implemented a groundbreaking new policy requiring renters to wear masks at all times, even in the privacy of their own apartments, when alone. This decision comes in response to growing fears surrounding a mysterious virus emerging from China, the looming threat of a potential bird flu outbreak, and a recent report of two cats in Oregon succumbing to bird flu. City officials are calling the mandate a "proactive step" to prevent what they ominously referred to as "the next big thing."
In addition to the renter mask mandate, Portland is reportedly considering expanding the effort to include household pets—specifically cats. Early plans suggest the introduction of "feline flu prevention masks," which would be required for cats when outside or near other animals. A prototype design, featuring tiny ear loops and an adjustable chin strap, is already being tested on local pets. “Cats are an essential part of many Portland families, and it’s our responsibility to protect them,” said a city spokesperson. “If we can mask our cats, we can stop the spread of bird flu before it starts.”
The proposal has sparked heated debate among Portlanders. Some residents fully support the idea, with one local enthusiast, Clover Fernhill, praising the initiative. “I’ve been crocheting little cat masks for weeks already,” she said. “It’s about time the city caught up with what we responsible pet owners are doing.” Others, however, are skeptical. “Good luck getting my cat, Mr. Whiskers, to keep that thing on,” said one exasperated resident. “He barely lets me put a bow tie on him for Instagram photos.”
Despite these concerns, city officials are undeterred, suggesting that compliance could be encouraged through educational programs and possibly free mask fittings at local pet stores.
Portland's Mask Compliance Task Force has been charged with enforcing the policy. Equipped with drones and night-vision goggles, these dedicated volunteers patrol apartment complexes around the clock, ensuring no tenant dares go maskless—even for a split second. One anonymous task force member shared their most recent bust: a renter caught "unmasked while brushing their teeth." The tenant was issued an immediate eviction notice and given 48 hours to vacate.
The fear driving this policy is not entirely unwarranted. Recent news of two cats in Oregon dying from bird flu has heightened concerns that the virus could jump to humans. Combined with reports of the mysterious illness spreading rapidly in China, Portland officials decided drastic measures were necessary. "We're taking no chances," said a city spokesperson. "We’ve seen how quickly things can escalate, and we won’t let Portland be the epicenter of a global outbreak."
Not everyone is convinced, however. Local resident and self-proclaimed "mask artisan" Rainy Riverblossom Fernsworth expressed her frustrations: “I’ve been composting my own masks for years, but now Big Mask is trying to control us with these corporate N95s. What about the carbon footprint of all these disposable masks? No one’s talking about that!” Riverblossom, who resides in a tiny home powered entirely by solar mason jars, added that she’s considering moving off the grid entirely to escape what she called “mask tyranny.”
One unanticipated side effect of the mandate has been the challenges it presents for Portlanders trying to maintain their romantic lives. Couples have taken to Reddit forums to share tips for “mask-safe intimacy,” with suggestions ranging from strategic cutouts to sign language for whispered sweet nothings. “It’s like trying to kiss through a fence,” said local musician Forest Moonbeam, who claims the policy has made dating in the city “awkward at best.” His partner, Sunflower Skye, chimed in: “We’ve started decorating each other’s masks with little love notes, but honestly, the eye contact does all the heavy lifting these days.”
Despite the city’s confidence in the new regulation, not everyone is on board. Tenants' rights groups are already pushing back, calling the mandate an invasion of privacy and a logistical nightmare. "It’s absurd," said one outraged resident. "I’m all for public safety, but how am I supposed to shampoo my hair with a mask on? And what happens if I sneeze in my sleep?"
Local landlords, too, are struggling to adapt to the requirements. Many have installed cameras in common areas and even hallways to avoid hefty fines for non-compliance. One landlord shared their frustration: "We’re being held responsible for what tenants do in their own bathrooms. How is this my problem?"
Meanwhile, Portlanders are finding ways to cope. Mask-themed TikTok challenges are gaining traction, featuring everything from "Masked Shower Routines" to "Sleep Mask Fashion Shows." Etsy sellers are raking in profits by offering everything from rhinestone-encrusted masks to breathable silk masks for nighttime wear.
In a surprising twist, Portland’s mayor announced that the city is also exploring the idea of building a specialized detention facility for repeat mask offenders. The proposed “Mask Adjustment Facility” would house individuals who are unable or unwilling to comply with the 24/7 mandate. “This isn’t about punishment—it’s about education and fostering community responsibility,” the mayor explained, comparing the initiative to the widely controversial reeducation camps in China. Inside the facility, mask violators would participate in mandatory "mask mindfulness" workshops, where they would meditate while learning the virtues of proper mask etiquette. Daily activities might include mask-sewing classes, lectures on the importance of public health solidarity, and role-playing exercises to help tenants imagine life without constant mask-wearing. Critics have already likened the facility to a dystopian overreach, dubbing it “The Mask Gulag.”
Public health experts, however, are divided on the effectiveness of the policy. "The idea of wearing masks to prevent transmission is sound," said one epidemiologist, "but enforcing it in private residences? That’s a new one."
In a bizarre follow-up to Donald Trump's Inauguration Day remark that Portland is “where they kill people,” Trump weighed in on the city’s controversial new mask mandate—this time targeting the inclusion of cats. “Now they’ve got the cats wearing masks,” Trump said during a rally. “Can you believe it? Cats! I always said Portland was a mess, but this? This is next-level crazy. You know, I had the best cats at Mar-a-Lago, very beautiful cats, but even they wouldn’t stand for this. They’d be clawing at the masks, believe me, folks!” Trump then claimed he’d be "launching a line of Trump-branded cat masks" that he assured the audience would be “very classy, the best masks, tremendous masks—you’ve never seen masks like this before.”
For now, the mandate remains in effect, and Portland renters are doing their best to comply. As the city waits to see whether these extreme measures will prevent an outbreak, one thing is certain: in Portland, the mask isn’t just a public health tool—it’s a way of life.
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is not based on real events. There is no mandate in Portland requiring renters or cats to wear masks 24/7, and the Mask Compliance Task Force does not exist. This piece is purely fictional and intended for entertainment purposes.
