PORTLAND, OR — It’s been nearly two years since Oregon officially joined the rest of the country in allowing self-serve gas, but for Gary Thurman, a 36-year-old lifelong Oregonian, the adjustment has been anything but smooth. On Tuesday, Gary pulled into a local Shell station, warm and cozy in his car with the heated seats cranked up, and confidently told the attendant, “I’ve got this,” before standing frozen by the pump, waiting for… something.
“I know it’s 2025, and I know we’ve been pumping our own gas since 2023,” Gary admitted later. “But every time I get out of my car, I can’t help but feel like I’m breaking the law. It’s muscle memory. My whole life, I’ve had someone else do this for me. I’m just not… ready. Not to mention, I'm not a trained professional.”
Complicating matters was the weather—cold, wet, and windy, the kind of drizzle that soaks into your bones. Witnesses say Gary sat for a solid 30 seconds, staring at the pump through his fogged-up windshield, debating whether leaving the warm embrace of his car was truly worth it.
“I could tell he didn’t want to get out,” said the gas attendant, James. “It’s nasty out, and he was clearly second-guessing himself. I almost stepped in, but he seemed determined to suffer through it.”
Gary eventually stepped into the biting wind, reluctantly approaching the pump. He spent a full minute standing awkwardly, staring at it like he’d never seen one before, before glancing back at James, who was leaning casually against the station’s storefront, watching with mild amusement.
“He said, ‘I’ve got this,’ so I just let him be,” James said. “But I could tell he was struggling. He stared at the pump for a long time like it was a Rubik’s Cube. At one point, I thought he might just give up and leave.”
Determined to adapt, Gary managed to insert his card and select his gas grade but then hesitated before picking up the nozzle. “There’s this weird guilt, you know?” he said. “Like, this was someone’s job. Someone who’s probably better at it than me. Who am I to take that away from them?”
As the gas began to flow, Gary stood stiffly, avoiding eye contact with James, who continued to watch from a distance. When the pump clicked off, Gary froze again, unsure whether to remove the nozzle himself or wait for some kind of divine intervention.
“I don’t know why it feels so wrong,” Gary later confessed. “It’s not like I don’t know how to do it. But every time I grab that nozzle, I feel this overwhelming urge to look around and yell, ‘I’m not supposed to be doing this!’”
Eventually, Gary returned the nozzle to its holder and closed his gas cap, but not before nervously shouting “Thank you!” in James’s direction.
“I don’t think he knows who he was thanking,” James said. “The guy pumped his own gas, paid for it himself, and still felt like I somehow helped. It’s like he wanted me to come in and pat him on the back or something.”
As of press time, Gary admitted he still struggles with the concept of self-serve gas but vowed to keep trying. “I’ll get there someday,” he said. “But if a gas attendant ever offers to help, I mean… who am I to say no?”
Disclaimer: This story is satire and purely fictional. Any resemblance to real Oregonians grappling with self-serve gas is purely coincidental.
