PRINEVILLE, OR — Tension gripped the corner booth at Rusty’s Tap & Grill Thursday evening as a group of lifelong drinking companions reportedly struggled to come to terms with local grandfather Walt Peterson’s brand-new man bun. The 76-year-old, known for his...
PORTLAND, OR — The Beaver State confirmed this week that Seasonal Depression Season has officially returned as Oregon once again slips into eternal darkness, a ritual as dependable as rain, moss, and Subaru Outbacks with coexist stickers. While Oregonians technically...
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring that Portland had “become a total disaster, maybe the worst in history,” President Donald Trump announced Friday that all official U.S. maps will be updated to replace the name Portland with the word Poop, effective Monday. “They’ve ruined...
PORTLAND, Ore. — In a bold new effort to “humanize the chaos,” Portland officials have announced the launch of the city’s first-ever Adopt-a-Screamer program, allowing residents to form lasting bonds with their favorite downtown sidewalk shouters. The initiative,...
WEST COAST — In a groundbreaking ceremony held simultaneously in Salem, Olympia, and Sacramento, the governors of Oregon, Washington, and California proudly announced a new “People’s Anti-Will Alliance,” vowing to make policy decisions that directly contradict...
SALEM, OR — In a bold new move to secure its place as America’s favorite bulk-buying utopia, Costco has unveiled its most jaw-dropping creation yet: a 470-pound rotisserie chicken that promises to feed an entire neighborhood, or one very determined uncle during...
OREGON — After centuries of mysterious sightings, blurry photos, and grainy VHS documentaries, Bigfoot has officially canceled all future appearances in Oregon, citing skyrocketing living costs as the final straw. “Look, I’ve been dodging hikers, hunters, and tabloids...
SALEM, OR — With Oregon’s budget once again disappearing into what experts are calling “a large cosmic anomaly in Salem,” Governor Tina Kotek proudly unveiled her brand-new “Wheel of New State Taxes” at a press conference Thursday. The massive carnival-style wheel,...
In a groundbreaking revelation sure to devastate campers nationwide, researchers at the Institute of Outdoors Nuisance Studies confirmed Thursday that 100% of campfire smoke exists solely to stalk whichever poor bastard thought he was safe sitting by the fire. The...
PORTLAND, OR — In an effort to address skyrocketing 911 response times, the Portland Police Bureau announced today that residents can now shave hours off their wait by committing crimes within walking distance of a precinct. “Look, we’re stretched thin,” said a...
SALEM, OR — Local sources confirmed Tuesday that a Salem man died peacefully in his seat at the Oregon DMV, his skeleton still patiently waiting for its number to be called. Witnesses said the man, who had been waiting for more than six hours, quietly expired sometime...
SALEM, OR — For most drivers, the two-hour stretch of perfectly straight I-5 between Eugene and Portland is a test of mental endurance. But for 34-year-old Springfield resident Laura Jenkins, it’s the highlight of her week. “This is my me time,” Jenkins said, leaning...