PORTLAND, OR – Walmart has unveiled a bold new experiment in Portland, testing out cutting-edge AI-powered technology designed to combat a growing problem: tweakers. The store’s automatic doors are now equipped with advanced artificial intelligence that can detect...
SPRINGFIELD, OR — The scent of lighter fluid and overconfidence filled the air Friday afternoon as local dad, Greg Thompson, triumphantly wheeled out his Weber grill, declaring it "grilling season" the moment temperatures climbed to a balmy 50 degrees. Despite a...
In a stunning turn of events, the Mexican government has officially declared Spanish as the country’s national language, following the bold example set by former U.S. President Donald Trump, who recently declared English the official language of the United States. The...
PORTLAND, OR — The search for 34-year-old Kevin Michaels, who was last seen attempting to merge onto I-205 during rush hour, continues as family and friends hold out hope for his safe return. Kevin left his Southeast Portland home last Tuesday morning, reportedly en...
Portland’s tourism board has announced an exciting new way for visitors to experience the city’s vibrant urban landscape: “TentBnB” – the ultimate authentic downtown lodging experience! For just $89 a night (or $10 if you book directly with Rick behind the 7-Eleven),...
BREAKING: The long-awaited Epstein list is finally set to be released today, and officials insist—without a single wink or nervous glance—that it is completely unaltered, totally uncompromised, and in no way missing any names that might cause billionaires to break out...
Hundreds of Oregonians were rushed to the hospital over the past couple of days after an unseasonably bright sun made the mistake of shining down upon the pasty, vitamin-D-deprived masses emerging from their winter hibernation. The incident, now being referred to as...
It started as any other adventure vlog—Kyle, self-proclaimed "wilderness influencer" and part-time crypto enthusiast, set out on a solo trek through Crater Lake National Park in search of "epic, untouched content." Armed with nothing but his phone, a knockoff GoPro,...
Portland, OR – In what some are calling an act of divine intervention, local progressive and proud Kamala Harris supporter Jeremy Feldman returned to his parked Tesla Model 3 in downtown Portland on Tuesday night to find it completely intact—a statistical...
SPRINGFIELD, OR — A local man successfully executed a highly strategic window roll-up maneuver this morning, narrowly avoiding both an excessively friendly Dutch Bros barista and the ear-piercing bass of yet another shitty mumble rap track. Eyewitnesses report that...
In a development that has surprised absolutely no one, the Oregon Coast has been voted the best place for sunbathing in 2025. The announcement was made by the Totally Legit Travel Awards committee, who, after an extensive survey of places with cold wind, relentless...
SPRINGFIELD, OR — Local feline resident and self-proclaimed ruler of the household, Mr. Whiskers, is reportedly reaching his breaking point over the state of his litter box. Sources close to the cat say his patience is wearing thin as his human, Becky Thompson,...