Satire

Study Confirms Campfire Smoke’s Primary Function Is Following That One Guy No Matter Where He Sits

In a groundbreaking revelation sure to devastate campers nationwide, researchers at the Institute of Outdoors Nuisance Studies confirmed Thursday that 100% of campfire smoke exists solely to stalk whichever poor bastard thought he was safe sitting by the fire. The peer-reviewed study, published in...

Portland Police Promise Faster Response Times if You Agree to Commit Crime Closer to the Station

PORTLAND, OR — In an effort to address skyrocketing 911 response times, the Portland Police Bureau announced today that residents can now shave hours off their wait by committing crimes within walking distance of a precinct. “Look, we’re stretched thin,” said a spokesperson while unlocking his...

Oregon Man Dies Peacefully at DMV, Still Waiting for His Number

SALEM, OR — Local sources confirmed Tuesday that a Salem man died peacefully in his seat at the Oregon DMV, his skeleton still patiently waiting for its number to be called. Witnesses said the man, who had been waiting for more than six hours, quietly expired sometime between ticket numbers B42...

Woman Thrilled to Spend Two Hours on Perfectly Straight I-5 Staring at Grass

SALEM, OR — For most drivers, the two-hour stretch of perfectly straight I-5 between Eugene and Portland is a test of mental endurance. But for 34-year-old Springfield resident Laura Jenkins, it’s the highlight of her week. “This is my me time,” Jenkins said, leaning against her Subaru Outback at...

Oregon Named Worst State to Move To, Mostly Because Everyone Here Already Hates You

A new analysis ranking Oregon among the worst states to relocate to has shocked absolutely no one within Oregon’s borders, where the news was met with the kind of smug satisfaction usually reserved for hearing that your least favorite cousin moved back to Ohio. The study, conducted by a group of...
Oregon Bans Conservatives

Oregon Bans Conservatives

SALEM, OR — In a move hailed by absolutely no one outside the Portland metro area, Oregon lawmakers have officially banned conservatives from residing in the state, citing “vibe mismatch” and “continued misuse of the word ‘woke.’” The emergency legislation, passed...

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