Satire

Ozzy Osbourne To Headline Heaven’s Main Stage, Lucifer Sues For Breach Of Contract

HEAVEN — In what celestial insiders are calling the most shocking lineup shakeup in millennia, sources confirmed Tuesday that heavy metal icon Ozzy Osbourne will headline Heaven’s main stage this summer, prompting Lucifer himself to file a breach of contract lawsuit in the Infernal Courts. “Look,...

New Oregon Coast Park Lets Tourists Ride Dolphins Like Sea Cowboys

BANDON, OR — In a bold move that has marine biologists questioning their life choices, a new Oregon Coast attraction is allowing visitors to “saddle up” and ride dolphins like aquatic cowboys. The park, officially named Flipper Junction Adventure Park, opened this week to massive crowds of...

Pack of Hungry Cougars Storm Springfield Walmart

SPRINGFIELD, OR — Panic broke out Monday afternoon when a pack of hungry cougars stormed the Springfield Walmart, raiding shelves and sending shoppers sprinting for the exits. Witnesses say the animals first appeared in the parking lot around 2 p.m., circling shopping carts and eyeing customers...

New Floating Weed Shop Turns Crater Lake Into Oregon’s Most Relaxed Tourist Attraction

CRATER LAKE, OR — In a bold move that has park rangers scratching their heads and several kayakers bobbing in approval, Oregon’s first floating marijuana dispensary officially opened this week on Crater Lake. The aptly named “Lake and Bake Cannabis Co.” is a houseboat-turned-pot-shop that promises...

Spirit Halloween Announces Bold Plan to Occupy Every Downtown Portland Storefront by Fall

PORTLAND, OR — In what company executives are calling their “most ambitious expansion yet,” Spirit Halloween announced Tuesday that it will seize the opportunity presented by Portland’s vacant downtown to convert every empty storefront into a seasonal costume superstore by October. “Frankly, it...
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