Satire

Influencer Keeps Trail Secret by Featuring It in ‘Untouched Secret Trails’ Series for Her 3.2 Million Followers

OREGON — A beloved Oregon hiking trail once known only to a handful of locals, several deer, and one suspiciously territorial raccoon has now been declared “completely over” after being featured in the debut episode of influencer Sage Emberly’s new video series, Untouched Secret Trails — which she...

New Portland Initiative Will Phase Out ‘Police’ in Favor of ‘Feelings-First Safety Network’

PORTLAND, OR — In a bold new move that critics are calling “deeply Portland” and supporters are calling “like, super healing,” city leaders have announced a sweeping initiative to phase out the word “police” entirely and replace the Portland Police Bureau with a newly branded entity: the...

Portland Replaces 911 With AI That Soothes Callers by Saying “That Must Have Been Scary” On Repeat

PORTLAND, OR — In a groundbreaking move hailed by city leaders as a “compassion-centered innovation,” Portland has officially replaced its overwhelmed 911 emergency response system with a calming AI assistant programmed to repeatedly say, “That must have been scary.” The change comes after years...

Oregon Officials Consider Removing Girls from Girls’ Sports Teams

SALEM, Ore. (AP) — Oregon lawmakers are considering a controversial new proposal that would remove biological girls from girls’ sports teams in public schools and universities, a move supporters say is necessary to promote fairness, inclusivity, and “repair centuries of gender-based imbalance in...

Antifa Protester Grounded After Mom Finds Out He Skipped Chores for Riot Again

PORTLAND, OR — Chaos erupted in the Thompson household Wednesday evening when 19-year-old Antifa member Brayden Thompson was once again grounded after skipping his chores to attend a “Riot for Justice and Mild Property Damage” protest downtown. Brayden, a part-time barista and full-time...
First American Pope Wears Cowboy Hat

First American Pope Wears Cowboy Hat

VATICAN CITY — In a historic and deeply confusing moment for the Catholic Church, newly appointed Pope Robert I — the first American pope in history — made his debut Wednesday morning atop the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica wearing a beige cowboy hat and a soft...

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