Satire

5 Best Oregon Towns to Guarantee Your Kid Grows Up a Total Loser

OREGON — A brutally honest report from the Institute of Sad Outcomes has named five small Oregon towns where the odds of a child growing up into a full-blown loser are, frankly, too high to ignore. Factors included crime rates, dropout data, vape-related ER visits, and whether the town’s main...

Bend Woman Catches 7-Foot Crawdad in Deschutes River

BEND, Ore. — In what officials are calling “either a miracle or a minor kaiju sighting,” a Bend woman has reportedly reeled in a 7-foot-long crawdad from the Deschutes River. Sarah Lynn Haverford, 33, said she was enjoying a peaceful afternoon by the river when she felt a “slight tug” on her line...

Oregon Dad Identifies as High School Quarterback, Leads JV Team to State Championship

BEND, Ore. — In a turn of events that has left the Oregon high school sports world dazed and confused (and possibly inspired), 42-year-old Trent Lawson of Bend has not only declared himself a 17-year-old high school junior but also quarterbacked the Roosevelt Ridge JV football team straight to a...

Study Finds Man Driving Alone in Mask Still Safest Person on Earth in 2025

UNITED STATES — A new report published by the International Institute of Absolutely Unnecessary Safety Measures (IIAUSM) has confirmed what many suspected but dared not say out loud: the man driving alone in his car while fully masked and gloved is, statistically, the safest human being alive in...

Experts Say Hot Springs Are the Secret to Romance if the Right Person Sees You

In the misty mountains of the Pacific Northwest, a new romance trend is bubbling up—literally. Experts say that the secret to romance in this neck of the woods might just lie in the region’s famous hot springs. But, there’s a catch: it only works if the right person happens to catch a glimpse of...

Woman With Hairy Chest Wins Award for Best Chest in the West

PORTLAND, OR — History was made this weekend at the Rocky Mountain Regional Hair-Off when 29-year-old Cassidy “Cactus” McBride strutted away with the coveted Best Chest in the West trophy—despite fierce competition from local lumberjacks, bass players, and at least...

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