SALEM, OR — In a move hailed by absolutely no one outside the Portland metro area, Oregon lawmakers have officially banned conservatives from residing in the state, citing “vibe mismatch” and “continued misuse of the word ‘woke.’” The emergency legislation, passed...
BEND, OR — Letting out a long, cathartic exhale as blood-curdling screams echoed softly through her living room speakers, 36-year-old Shannon Marks reportedly felt a wave of emotional clarity Tuesday evening after watching a Netflix documentary about a woman who was...
SPRINGFIELD, OR — Local woman Kelly Harmon was reportedly enjoying a quiet Saturday morning, sipping coffee and pretending she didn’t have responsibilities, when a chill ran down her spine. “It hit me all at once,” she said, staring into the void. “We’re out of...
PORTLAND, OR — While many couples might opt for a candlelit dinner or a rom-com, local partners Jesse and Rowan have found a more thrilling way to spend quality time together: watching chaos unfold in real-time from the comfort of their couch. “We wanted something a...
SALEM, OR — Nostalgia hit hard this week for 42-year-old Brent Halverson, who fondly remembered a simpler time when seatbelts were optional, ashtrays were full, and his mother hotboxed a two-door Nissan Sentra like she was training for a Marlboro Light 100s endurance...
PORTLAND, OR — Tension rippled through Powell’s City of Books on Tuesday after a smooth-skinned weirdo with no visible tattoos and—more disturbingly—no bumper stickers on his car was seen casually walking into the store. Witnesses say the man, described by one...
PORTLAND, OR — In anticipation of this weekend’s peaceful protest that definitely won’t involve any windows mysteriously shattering themselves, city health officials have released a helpful reminder to all would-be demonstrators: “Don’t forget to stretch before...
OREGON — It was supposed to be just another day of lazy tubing, questionable sunscreen application, and aggressively warm seltzers. But for one local woman, the universe had something deeper in store — a reckoning of the soul, delivered via footwear. Kayla Dunham, 31,...
NOGALES, AZ — Migrants attempting to cross the U.S.-Mexico border fled in confusion and terror this week after federal agents deployed a towering AI-generated hologram of former President Donald Trump riding a bald eagle, sources confirmed. Witnesses say the...
LOS ANGELES, CA — Gleaming like a freshly waxed Tesla and strutting with the confidence of a man who just cured drought with cucumber water, California Governor Gavin Newsom made headlines Monday after addressing statewide unrest from the steamy comfort of a rooftop...
PORTLAND, OR — History was made this weekend at the Rocky Mountain Regional Hair-Off when 29-year-old Cassidy “Cactus” McBride strutted away with the coveted Best Chest in the West trophy—despite fierce competition from local lumberjacks, bass players, and at least...
“It’s time I lived my values,” says local man as he sets out organic snacks and fair trade matches. PORTLAND, OR — Declaring that “true solidarity means flammability,” local activist Caleb Renner has officially invited a group of protesters to peacefully burn his...