Satire

Portland Launches New “Adopt-a-Screamer” Program to Pair Residents With Their Favorite Downtown Yeller

PORTLAND, Ore. — In a bold new effort to “humanize the chaos,” Portland officials have announced the launch of the city’s first-ever Adopt-a-Screamer program, allowing residents to form lasting bonds with their favorite downtown sidewalk shouters. The initiative, rolled out this week, invites...

Oregon, Washington, California Form Alliance To Always Do Exact Opposite Of Poll Results

WEST COAST — In a groundbreaking ceremony held simultaneously in Salem, Olympia, and Sacramento, the governors of Oregon, Washington, and California proudly announced a new “People’s Anti-Will Alliance,” vowing to make policy decisions that directly contradict whatever their residents actually...

Costco Unveils 470 lbs Rotisserie Chicken in Oregon, Forklifts Now Available at Checkout

SALEM, OR — In a bold new move to secure its place as America’s favorite bulk-buying utopia, Costco has unveiled its most jaw-dropping creation yet: a 470-pound rotisserie chicken that promises to feed an entire neighborhood, or one very determined uncle during football season. Currently being...

Bigfoot Cancels Oregon Appearances, Explains “Can’t Afford to Be Spotted Here Anymore”

OREGON — After centuries of mysterious sightings, blurry photos, and grainy VHS documentaries, Bigfoot has officially canceled all future appearances in Oregon, citing skyrocketing living costs as the final straw. “Look, I’ve been dodging hikers, hunters, and tabloids for decades,” Bigfoot told...

Kotek Unveils ‘Wheel of New State Taxes’ After Funds Vanish Into Oregon’s Black Hole

SALEM, OR — With Oregon’s budget once again disappearing into what experts are calling “a large cosmic anomaly in Salem,” Governor Tina Kotek proudly unveiled her brand-new “Wheel of New State Taxes” at a press conference Thursday. The massive carnival-style wheel, adorned with bizarre new revenue...
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