PORTLAND, OR — In a stunning triumph for modern public policy, local gang member Rico “Lil Torque” Martinez announced Sunday night that he has canceled a planned armed robbery after discovering that new gun control laws officially take effect Monday morning. “I mean,...
In what experts are calling “either the boldest social experiment of the decade or a cry for help,” a Portland woman reportedly left her bicycle completely unlocked for a full 17 seconds on a busy, tree-lined city block Sunday afternoon. Witnesses say 32-year-old...
PORTLAND, Ore. — In what officials are calling a deeply troubling development, a 34 year old Portland resident has been placed on a community watchlist after failing to attend, organize, or aggressively livestream a single protest this week. According to neighbors,...
EUGENE, Ore. — What began as a quick Saturday morning run for paper towels and a rotisserie chicken has reportedly turned into a full coming-of-age saga for local father Brent Halvorsen, who aged approximately 14 years while waiting for a front-row parking spot at...
SALEM, OR — Declaring it “a proud milestone in collectible governance,” a Portland-based toy startup announced Tuesday the release of limited-edition Tina Kotek Action Figures to celebrate what promotional materials describe as her status as America’s Most Popular...
CORVALLIS, OR — In a groundbreaking study that absolutely no one asked for, researchers confirmed Tuesday that the average Oregonian owns approximately 47 reusable grocery bags, yet continues to stand at checkout saying, “Oh… I forgot them,” before reluctantly...
CORVALLIS, OR — In what housing experts are calling “a troubling but financially sound decision,” a 20-year-old college student has reportedly moved into a construction-site porta-potty near campus after calculating that it was still significantly cheaper than renting...
PORTLAND, OR — After years of observation, analysis, and quietly judgmental note-taking, researchers have formally admitted they still do not understand why Portland residents look the way they do. The announcement came Tuesday from a multidisciplinary research team...
There are Oregon towns you pass through.There are Oregon towns you stay in for a bit.And then there are Oregon towns that quietly enroll you in something permanent. Nobody ever announces they’re staying forever. They say things like “just for now,” or “until I figure...
CANNON BEACH, OR — Witnesses confirmed Tuesday that a local seagull brazenly stole several French fries from an unattended basket while maintaining prolonged, unblinking eye contact with the victim, clearly signaling that the theft was both intentional and...
SALEM, OR — Standing beneath a banner reading “Progress Takes Time (And Money)”, Oregon leaders this week announced a bold new plan to address homelessness, housing affordability, addiction, and public safety by requesting another $500 billion to retry the same...
PORTLAND, Ore. — A popular inner-Portland coffee shop announced this week that it will no longer serve customers who cannot clearly articulate something they actively hate, citing a “longstanding cultural mismatch” with people who appear content, neutral, or...