SALEM, OR — With Oregon’s budget once again disappearing into what experts are calling “a large cosmic anomaly in Salem,” Governor Tina Kotek proudly unveiled her brand-new “Wheel of New State Taxes” at a press conference Thursday. The massive carnival-style wheel,...
In a groundbreaking revelation sure to devastate campers nationwide, researchers at the Institute of Outdoors Nuisance Studies confirmed Thursday that 100% of campfire smoke exists solely to stalk whichever poor bastard thought he was safe sitting by the fire. The...
PORTLAND, OR — In an effort to address skyrocketing 911 response times, the Portland Police Bureau announced today that residents can now shave hours off their wait by committing crimes within walking distance of a precinct. “Look, we’re stretched thin,” said a...
SALEM, OR — Local sources confirmed Tuesday that a Salem man died peacefully in his seat at the Oregon DMV, his skeleton still patiently waiting for its number to be called. Witnesses said the man, who had been waiting for more than six hours, quietly expired sometime...
SALEM, OR — For most drivers, the two-hour stretch of perfectly straight I-5 between Eugene and Portland is a test of mental endurance. But for 34-year-old Springfield resident Laura Jenkins, it’s the highlight of her week. “This is my me time,” Jenkins said, leaning...
A new analysis ranking Oregon among the worst states to relocate to has shocked absolutely no one within Oregon’s borders, where the news was met with the kind of smug satisfaction usually reserved for hearing that your least favorite cousin moved back to Ohio. The...
PORTLAND, Ore. — What started as a casual afternoon swim in the Willamette River ended with one local man unintentionally becoming Portland’s newest source of renewable energy. Witnesses say 34-year-old Derek Morrison emerged from the Kelly Point Park section of the...
In a bold move sure to shake up Oregon’s political landscape, former House Minority Leader Christine Drazan has publicly confirmed what many suspected: she is, in fact, into men. The announcement, which came alongside a $55,000 payment to Republican polling firm...
SPRINGFIELD, OR — Sources confirm local man David Palmer spent Thursday evening perfecting the art of marital non-listening, offering a steady stream of “mm-hmms” during his wife’s 14-minute monologue about the Hendersons next door while simultaneously wheezing with...
In a rare moment of bipartisan unity, Americans across the political spectrum confirmed this week that the $4.99 Costco rotisserie chicken is the only thing keeping the United States from plunging into complete and irreversible economic ruin. Economists say the...
SALEM — Governor Tina Kotek has signed what critics are calling “Oregon’s most ambitious piece of lawn equipment legislation in history,” officially classifying all lawn mowers — riding, push, gas, electric, or otherwise — as motor vehicles under state law. The new...
PORTLAND, Ore. — As Oregon heads into another triple-digit heat wave, scientists say they are mystified by a seasonal phenomenon known only as Old Boat Guy’s Popularity Spike. According to local marina records, the silver-haired man whose first name no one can agree...