Satire

Tina Kotek Makes Whoopsie Face As Staff Confirm $800 Billion Budget Has Completely Vanished Into A Black Hole

SALEM, OR — Oregon Governor Tina Kotek reportedly made what staff are now describing as her “official woopsie face” Tuesday afternoon after aides confirmed that the state’s $800 billion budget had completely vanished into what economists are calling a rapidly expanding government black hole...

Oregon Lawmakers Propose Monthly $25.99 Streaming Service To Access State’s Outdoor Spaces

SALEM, OR — In what officials are calling a “modern solution to the outdoor experience,” Oregon lawmakers this week unveiled a proposal to introduce a convenient $25.99 monthly subscription allowing residents to access the state’s forests, trails, rivers, and scenic viewpoints. The new program,...

Mayor Says Community Would Benefit From A Much Bigger Dick’s

EUGENE, OREGON — City leaders say they’re exploring plans to bring a much bigger Dick’s to the area, a move they believe could boost local morale and finally give residents the kind of Dick’s they’ve been asking for. Speaking at a press conference Tuesday, the mayor explained that while the...

Portland Gyms Eliminate Heavy Weights After City Officials Agree Masculinity Is Offensive To Several Pronouns

PORTLAND, Ore. — Several Portland fitness centers announced this week they will be eliminating traditional heavy weights from their gyms entirely after city officials and wellness consultants agreed the weight room environment has long promoted levels of masculinity that some members now consider...

Portland Hospitals Report 38% Increase In Genderless Babies Born With Naturally Occurring Blue Hair

PORTLAND, OR — Doctors across Portland say they are closely studying a surprising new trend after hospitals reported a 38% increase in babies being born both genderless and with naturally occurring blue hair, a phenomenon physicians are cautiously describing as “totally normal for Portland.”...
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