Satire

Oregon Named Worst State to Move To, Mostly Because Everyone Here Already Hates You

A new analysis ranking Oregon among the worst states to relocate to has shocked absolutely no one within Oregon’s borders, where the news was met with the kind of smug satisfaction usually reserved for hearing that your least favorite cousin moved back to Ohio. The study, conducted by a group of...

Local Man Now Glows in the Dark Like a Human Glow Stick After Swim in Willamette River

PORTLAND, Ore. — What started as a casual afternoon swim in the Willamette River ended with one local man unintentionally becoming Portland’s newest source of renewable energy. Witnesses say 34-year-old Derek Morrison emerged from the Kelly Point Park section of the river last Tuesday “radiating a...

Christine Drazan Bravely Announces She’s Into Men While Testing Waters for 2026 Run

In a bold move sure to shake up Oregon’s political landscape, former House Minority Leader Christine Drazan has publicly confirmed what many suspected: she is, in fact, into men. The announcement, which came alongside a $55,000 payment to Republican polling firm Public Opinion Strategies, is being...

Husband Says “Mm-Hmm” 26 Times During Wife’s Rant About Neighbors While Laughing Alone at George’s Wallet Scene

SPRINGFIELD, OR — Sources confirm local man David Palmer spent Thursday evening perfecting the art of marital non-listening, offering a steady stream of “mm-hmms” during his wife’s 14-minute monologue about the Hendersons next door while simultaneously wheezing with laughter at the Seinfeld scene...

Nation Agrees $4.99 Costco Chicken Only Thing Preventing Total Economic Collapse

In a rare moment of bipartisan unity, Americans across the political spectrum confirmed this week that the $4.99 Costco rotisserie chicken is the only thing keeping the United States from plunging into complete and irreversible economic ruin. Economists say the chicken’s miraculous ability to...
Pack of Hungry Cougars Storm Springfield Walmart

Pack of Hungry Cougars Storm Springfield Walmart

SPRINGFIELD, OR — Panic broke out Monday afternoon when a pack of hungry cougars stormed the Springfield Walmart, raiding shelves and sending shoppers sprinting for the exits. Witnesses say the animals first appeared in the parking lot around 2 p.m., circling shopping...

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