Satire

Local Woman Sips Warm White Claw, Finds Peace After Watching Flip-Flop Drift Off Into the Current

OREGON — It was supposed to be just another day of lazy tubing, questionable sunscreen application, and aggressively warm seltzers. But for one local woman, the universe had something deeper in store — a reckoning of the soul, delivered via footwear. Kayla Dunham, 31, was spotted laid out...

Migrants Flee After Federal Agents Project AI Trump Riding Eagle at Border

NOGALES, AZ — Migrants attempting to cross the U.S.-Mexico border fled in confusion and terror this week after federal agents deployed a towering AI-generated hologram of former President Donald Trump riding a bald eagle, sources confirmed. Witnesses say the projection—roughly 50 feet tall and...

Newsom Freshly Gelled Up, Assures Californians Everything’s Under Control

LOS ANGELES, CA — Gleaming like a freshly waxed Tesla and strutting with the confidence of a man who just cured drought with cucumber water, California Governor Gavin Newsom made headlines Monday after addressing statewide unrest from the steamy comfort of a rooftop hot tub. Sporting a luxurious...

Woman With Hairy Chest Wins Award for Best Chest in the West

PORTLAND, OR — History was made this weekend at the Rocky Mountain Regional Hair-Off when 29-year-old Cassidy “Cactus” McBride strutted away with the coveted Best Chest in the West trophy—despite fierce competition from local lumberjacks, bass players, and at least one retired rodeo clown. “I’m...

Portland Man Who Says Property Damage Isn’t Violence Invites Protesters to Peacefully Burn His House Down

“It’s time I lived my values,” says local man as he sets out organic snacks and fair trade matches. PORTLAND, OR — Declaring that “true solidarity means flammability,” local activist Caleb Renner has officially invited a group of protesters to peacefully burn his house down this weekend in what...
Oregon Officials Propose Setting Fire to Money Directly

Oregon Officials Propose Setting Fire to Money Directly

SALEM, OR — In a bold new plan, Oregon leaders say they have finally figured out how to fix all the state’s biggest problems: by taking a big pile of your tax money… and setting it on fire. Yes, seriously. Governor Tina Kotek recently announced another big idea to...

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