Satire

Report: Sketchy Guy Screaming at a Tree While Biking is Probably Just Trying to Beat Nana to Church

EUGENE, OR — Local residents were comforted Sunday morning after officials confirmed that the sketchy man pedaling a squeaky mountain bike in a sagging jacket and backwards cap—while hollering at a tree about "leaf surveillance"—was “almost definitely just trying to beat Grandma to church.”...

Experts Agree: ‘The NeverEnding Story’ Is The Ultimate Emotional Reset Button

U.S. — After decades of research, burnout, and failed coping strategies involving expensive apps and oat milk lattes, mental health experts have finally reached a consensus: rewatching The NeverEnding Story is the ultimate emotional reset button. “It’s cinematic therapy,” said Dr. Elise Monroe, a...

Here Are Pickup Lines That Might Actually Work on a Portland Girl (Assuming She Forgets You’re a Man)

Dating in Portland is hard. Between dodging open mic night invitations, navigating three-way Tinder bios, and trying to remember if you're allowed to say "you look nice" without first signing a consent form and issuing a land acknowledgment, it can be tricky out there for a man — especially one...

Portland to Roll Out Human Litter Boxes This Summer, Tackling Public Defecation Crisis

In what city officials are calling a “revolution in urban sanitation,” Portland will begin installing CrapTrap 3000™ units across the metro area—human-sized, self-cleaning litter boxes designed to address the growing issue of public defecation, and “shaping the future, one log at a time.” The...

Oregon State Scientists Baffled as Willamette River Births New Glow-in-the-Dark Creature

WILLAMETTE VALLEY, OR — In a groundbreaking yet deeply unsettling discovery, scientists at Oregon State University have confirmed the spontaneous emergence of a glow-in-the-dark humanoid creature from the depths of the notoriously murky Willamette River. According to witnesses, the creature,...

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