In a move that perfectly embodies everything you feared after the election but told yourself to “wait and see,” the people you now deeply regret voting for held an emergency meeting today—not to fix potholes, homelessness, or anything remotely useful—but to invent...
News
Welcome to our Oregon News category, where we bring you the latest and most relevant news stories from the beautiful state of Oregon. From the stunning Pacific coastline to the rugged Cascade Mountains, Oregon is home to a wealth of natural beauty, diverse communities, and exciting cultural events.
Bigfoot Joins Tinder, Women Ditch Their Men After Reading: ‘I Chop Wood and Disappear Like Your Dad’
HOOD RIVER, OR — In what experts are calling the most emotionally devastating swipe in Oregon history, Bigfoot has officially joined Tinder with a bio so powerful it has women across the Pacific Northwest dumping their boyfriends mid-swipe. The bio in question?“I chop...
New Club “Granny Grinders” Opens in Oregon With 65+ Dancers, Bingo, and Zero Teeth Required
Springfield, OR — Residents were once again left clutching their pearls this week after hearing rumors about yet another offbeat strip club opening in their neighborhood — but this time, it’s not pregnant women causing a stir. It’s grandmothers. The new establishment,...
Goodwill Boutique Staff Confused Why Poor People Keep Trying to Shop There
NEWPORT, OR — Staff at the Goodwill Boutique on Cape & Donation Center are reportedly “deeply puzzled” by the steady stream of financially struggling people who keep showing up under the false assumption that this is a place for affordable clothing — rather than a...
Authorities Raid West Coast Game Park Safari in Bandon Over Suspected Animal Abuse
BANDON, Ore. — The long-troubled West Coast Game Park Safari was raided Thursday morning by Oregon State Police in what animal advocates are calling a long-overdue reckoning. According to OSP, multiple search warrants were executed at the Bandon-based roadside zoo as...
Costco Shopper with Blinker On Willing to Die for That One Spot Near the Cart Corral Occupied by Woman Buckling Three Kids into Minivan
EUGENE, OR — In a scene that has become all too familiar in the notoriously congested parking lot of Eugene's Costco, a local man was observed steadfastly waiting with his blinker on for a prime parking spot near the cart corral, despite the current occupant—a woman...
New Oregon Law Requires Fish to Verbally Consent Before Being Caught
PORTLAND, OR — In a landmark decision for aquatic rights, Oregon lawmakers have passed legislation requiring anglers to obtain verbal consent from fish before attempting to catch them. House Bill 4042, known officially as the “Hooked on Consent Act,” was signed into...
Oregon Man Sells Kidney to Afford Studio Apartment With Shared Toilet
PORTLAND, OR — In a bold move to finally escape his parents' basement and experience the magic of paying $2,100 a month for 380 square feet of “industrial charm,” local man Kyle Dennison has successfully sold one of his kidneys to secure a studio apartment in...
Portland Unveils Tonya Harding Statue in Pioneer Courthouse Square
PORTLAND, OR — In a shocking but deeply on-brand move, Portland officials have unveiled a towering bronze statue of Tonya Harding in the heart of Pioneer Courthouse Square — a tribute to athleticism, Oregon grit, and the art of “solving problems with a skate in hand...
Day Drive Ruined as Wife Interrupts ‘Free Bird’ Guitar Solo to Bring Up Her Friend’s Divorce Again
SWEET HOME, OREGON — What started as a relaxing weekend drive took a tragic turn Saturday afternoon when local man Derek Mitchell was emotionally ambushed mid-guitar solo during Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Free Bird.” According to sources inside the vehicle, Derek had just...
Notorious Serial Killer Randy Kraft Linked to 1980 Oregon Cold Case With Help of Forensic Genealogy
Nearly 45 years after a body was discovered along Interstate 5 in Oregon, investigators have finally given a name to the man — and a suspected killer to go with it. The Oregon State Police announced this week that Larry Eugene Parks, a 30-year-old Vietnam veteran, has...
Father to Honor Wife on Mother’s Day by Taking Her to Breakfast, Then Straight to Pound Town
EUGENE, OR — Local dad Kyle Hendershot will celebrate Mother’s Day tomorrow with a heartfelt gesture that begins with waffles and ends with walls shaking. “I just want to show my appreciation,” says Kyle, who reportedly plans to wake his wife Melissa with flowers,...











