Humor

Tina Kotek Announces $500 Fine for “Unauthorized Splashing” on Oregon Rivers

SALEM, OR — In a bold new effort to “restore order and tranquility” to Oregon’s waterways, Governor Tina Kotek unveiled legislation this week that would impose a $500 fine for any “unauthorized splashing” on rivers across the state. “Too many Oregonians think they can just hop on an inner tube and...

REPORT: Everything’s Fine, Experts Assure Public This Is All Totally Normal

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As grocery prices soar, infrastructure crumbles, artificial intelligence begins writing its own manifestos, and World War 3 quietly warms up in the background, officials are reassuring Americans there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. “Relax, babe—we’ve totally got this,”...

Portland Mayor Allows 4th of July Flag Waving if Residents Promise to Apologize Later

PORTLAND, OR — Ahead of Independence Day, Portland Mayor Keith Wilson reminded residents Monday that while waving the American flag on the 4th of July is technically still legal, those who choose to do so should immediately issue a sincere apology for “the harm caused by aggressive displays of...

Tina Kotek Announces Bold Plan to Fix Oregon by Staring Blankly

SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking press conference Tuesday, Governor Tina Kotek unveiled her latest initiative to address Oregon’s mounting crises: staring blankly into the distance until everything magically fixes itself. “My administration has worked tirelessly to identify the root cause of...

Flip Flops Found After Mosquitoes Eat a Whole Man, Witnesses Claim “He Was Drained Like a Juice Box”

OREGON LAKE — What was supposed to be a peaceful weekend getaway turned into a bloodsucking horror show Saturday after witnesses say a swarm of mosquitoes at a popular Oregon lake completely consumed a man, leaving behind nothing but a pair of slightly-worn flip-flops and a strong scent of banana...
Portland Protesters Demand More Things to Protest

Portland Protesters Demand More Things to Protest

PORTLAND, OR — In a surprising show of unity, hundreds of Portland protesters gathered downtown Tuesday not to decry a specific issue, but to demand more things to be upset about. “Frankly, we’re running out,” said protester Kai Evergreen, who held a blank cardboard...

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