Florence, Oregon – In a heartwarming tribute to Oregon’s most explosive historical moment, the city of Florence unveiled a life-sized statue of the infamous exploding whale on Tuesday—then promptly reduced it to flaming chunks with 20 cases of surplus dynamite. City...
SALEM, OR — In a bold new plan, Oregon leaders say they have finally figured out how to fix all the state’s biggest problems: by taking a big pile of your tax money… and setting it on fire. Yes, seriously. Governor Tina Kotek recently announced another big idea to...
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference that left both geographers and Californians scratching their heads, President Donald Trump announced that his ambitious $175 billion “Golden Dome” missile defense system will encompass the entire United States — except for...
ORTLAND, OR — After a rare full night of uninterrupted sleep, local woman Dana Wexler reportedly opened her eyes Thursday morning to the sound of birds chirping, a soft breeze drifting through her window, and the soul-crushing realization that global collapse is, in...
BENTONVILLE, AR — In a somber press conference held just steps from the seasonal bin of half-melted phone chargers, Walmart executives issued a stark warning Monday: rising tariffs on Chinese imports may severely disrupt the company’s ability to stock products...
Bend, OR — The long-awaited legacy sequel Final Destination: Bloodlines is now terrifying audiences in theaters nationwide, reigniting a very specific trauma among 90s kids: the paralyzing fear of being pulverized by airborne lumber on the freewa “I haven’t driven...
Boring, Oregon – In a quiet act of denial witnessed by absolutely no one, 52-year-old Brian Cutler stood motionless over his laundry basket Monday afternoon, clutching a pair of severely compromised boxers he’s owned since the Bush administration. The boxers,...
HOOD RIVER, OR — In what experts are calling the most emotionally devastating swipe in Oregon history, Bigfoot has officially joined Tinder with a bio so powerful it has women across the Pacific Northwest dumping their boyfriends mid-swipe. The bio in question?“I chop...
NEWPORT, OR — Staff at the Goodwill Boutique on Cape & Donation Center are reportedly “deeply puzzled” by the steady stream of financially struggling people who keep showing up under the false assumption that this is a place for affordable clothing — rather than a...
PORTLAND, OR — In a landmark decision for aquatic rights, Oregon lawmakers have passed legislation requiring anglers to obtain verbal consent from fish before attempting to catch them. House Bill 4042, known officially as the “Hooked on Consent Act,” was signed into...
PORTLAND, OR — In a bold move to finally escape his parents' basement and experience the magic of paying $2,100 a month for 380 square feet of “industrial charm,” local man Kyle Dennison has successfully sold one of his kidneys to secure a studio apartment in...
EUGENE, OR — Local dad Kyle Hendershot will celebrate Mother’s Day tomorrow with a heartfelt gesture that begins with waffles and ends with walls shaking. “I just want to show my appreciation,” says Kyle, who reportedly plans to wake his wife Melissa with flowers,...