PORTLAND, OR — With 166 Oregon National Guard members preparing to deploy to Portland next week, locals have already begun squabbling over who will earn the honor of being the first to spray-paint “ACAB” on the side of an armored vehicle.
The dispute reportedly broke out at a neighborhood co-op meeting after one man claimed he had “dibs” on the front bumper of a Stryker while another insisted he’d been “saving that spot for months.”
“It’s about more than just paint,” explained local graffiti artist KrushOne while polishing his favorite neon-green spray can. “It’s about making history. I want my tag to be the first thing those soldiers see when they realize Portland is basically Burning Man with property taxes.”
Officials worry the competition could escalate after reports surfaced of locals organizing a lottery system, complete with numbered tickets, to assign graffiti space on military vehicles. “The community has to stay fair,” said one organizer. “Nobody wants a repeat of last year’s drama when six people tagged the same dumpster.”
Meanwhile, National Guard leaders admitted they were unprepared for this kind of resistance. “We trained for Molotov cocktails and blockades,” said Lt. Col. David Hargrave. “We did not train for pastel murals of raccoons smoking weed painted across the side of a tactical truck.”
Local spray-paint shops confirmed they had sold out of their entire inventory within hours of the deployment announcement. Home Depot has promised an emergency shipment of 10,000 cans of Krylon in “Molotov Orange,” “Hipster Pink,” and “Anarchy Black.”
City officials have already promised to mediate disputes between rival graffiti crews. “This is Portland,” said Mayor Keith Wilson. “If the people want to fight over who gets to vandalize government property, we consider that a form of civic engagement.”
