Look, I know we’re all supposed to be “maturing” as a city or “de-escalating tactics” or whatever Mayor-Of-The-Month is tweeting now, but I’m starting to feel like Portland’s really lost its spark—literally. I walked downtown yesterday and didn’t see a single dumpster on fire. Not one! How are we supposed to dismantle systems of oppression if we don’t start with the local Chipotle?
Back in our glory days, “peaceful protest” meant torching a Quiznos, screaming about colonialism while wearing $300 Doc Martens, and spray-painting ACAB on a statue of an otter. It was poetic. It was messy. It was the only time anyone downtown actually left their studio apartment. Now? Half these Gen Z activists can’t even be bothered to throw a single brick without asking, “Will this hurt my clout score?”
Oh sure, we still march. We chant. We wave signs made from recycled cardboard and privilege. But where’s the chaos? Where’s the guy with the leaf blower redirecting tear gas like some sort of woke wizard? Where’s the unlicensed interpretive dance about wage theft in front of a burning mattress?
If your protest ends with everyone politely walking back to their Subaru Crosstreks, sipping ethically-sourced kombucha, did you even fight the system? Or did you just attend an angry farmer’s market?
And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying violence is the answer. I’m just saying that statistically, no revolution in history has ever been sparked by politely emailing a city council member. Sometimes you have to light a recycling bin on fire to get anyone to recycle.
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The media used to cover our protests with dread. Now we’re barely a blip. We used to strike fear into the heart of every window at Whole Foods. Now even the mannequins at Target sleep soundly at night.
So I ask you, Portland: what are we doing? Are we becoming... Seattle?
If we want real change, we have to stop being afraid of commitment. And by commitment, I mean Molotov cocktails. (Legally symbolic ones, of course.)
Let’s bring back the passion. Bring back the broken glass. Bring back the guy in a Guy Fawkes mask riding a stolen Lime scooter into a Walgreens.
Because if property isn’t being destroyed, is it even a peaceful protest?
