PORTLAND, OR — Local man Brian “Snappy” Thompson has officially petitioned the Oregon Zoo to recognize his true identity as a turtle and grant him permanent residency in the reptile exhibit.
“I’ve spent my whole life feeling like a turtle trapped in a human’s body,” said Thompson, who arrived at the zoo crawling on all fours, his back covered by a massive, eerily realistic turtle shell. “Society just isn’t built for people like me. I move at my own pace, I love basking under heat lamps, and frankly, I’d rather eat lettuce than participate in capitalism.”
Zoo officials were initially confused when Thompson slowly inched his way to the entrance, refusing to stand up and demanding an enclosure next to the Galápagos tortoises. “At first, we thought it was just another Portland performance art piece,” said zookeeper Carl Jensen. “But then he started burrowing into the ground, refusing to pay admission, and snapping at tourists who got too close. That’s when we knew he was serious.”
Thompson, who insists on only being referred to by his new legal name, “Shelly,” says human society has always been too fast-paced for him. “Rent is outrageous, taxes are unfair, and no one lets me nap in the sun for six hours a day without calling the police,” he lamented. “At the zoo, I can finally live the way nature intended.”
Despite skepticism from some zookeepers, Thompson has gained an impressive following. Animal rights activists have thrown their support behind his cause, arguing that “all creatures deserve a habitat where they feel comfortable.” Meanwhile, a group of local activists has started a GoFundMe to provide him with a state-of-the-art fiberglass shell, though experts warn it may not provide adequate back support for a 37-year-old man who works part-time at a vape shop.
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As of now, the Oregon Zoo has yet to approve Thompson’s request, but staff say they’re open to negotiations. “We already have birds that identify as dinosaurs and snakes that identify as scary ropes,” said one employee. “What’s one more identity crisis?”
Thompson, undeterred, says he will continue his protest by slowly crawling around the zoo entrance until his demands are met. “You can’t rush a turtle,” he said. “But eventually, I always get where I’m going.”
