Portland’s latest progressive traffic law aims to bridge the “understanding gap” between drivers and cyclists
PORTLAND, OR – In an unprecedented move that solidifies Portland’s status as the nation's most bike-friendly city, local officials have passed a controversial new law requiring all drivers to develop telepathic abilities in order to anticipate cyclists’ unpredictable maneuvers.
The new regulation, dubbed the “Mind Over Motor” initiative, was introduced following complaints from the city’s cycling community that drivers still expect them to follow basic traffic laws. Under this groundbreaking policy, motorists who fail to predict and accommodate the spontaneous whims of cyclists will face hefty fines and mandatory re-education at the Portland Psychic Institute.
“You Just Have to Know,” Say Officials
“We realized that expecting cyclists to signal or obey traffic laws like everyone else was an unfair burden,” said Portland’s newly appointed Bicycle Relations Czar, Leaf Moonbeam. “A lot of drivers think they need clear signs, hand signals, or even eye contact to understand what cyclists are doing. But in Portland, we believe in a more intuitive approach—one where drivers simply know when a cyclist is about to veer into traffic, run a red light, or randomly stop in the middle of the street.”
Under the law, drivers will now be required to achieve a Level 3 Clairvoyant Certification before renewing their licenses. Those who fail to predict at least 85% of cyclists’ next moves will be fined or required to take an intensive meditation course to “tune in” to the consciousness of urban riders.
Cyclists Applaud, Demand More
The news was met with widespread approval from Portland’s cycling community, many of whom felt that the law didn’t go far enough.
“Honestly, it’s a good start,” said Skylar Evergreen, a local cyclist and craft kombucha brewer. “But it doesn’t address the real issue, which is that cars still exist. The dream is a Portland where we can ride four-wide down I-5 with no interference from these oppressive steel cages.”
Other cyclists suggested additional measures, including mandatory aura readings for all drivers, a city-wide ban on honking, and government subsidies for organic, fair-trade bicycle chain oil.
Critics Raise Concerns, Immediately Labeled Car Supremacists
Not everyone is thrilled with the new law. Some drivers have raised concerns that learning telepathy may be difficult, especially for out-of-town visitors.
“I just wanted to visit Powell’s Books,” said one confused tourist from Nebraska. “But within ten minutes of driving, I got fined $500 for failing to psychically anticipate a cyclist who suddenly decided to swerve into my lane while texting.”
Those who criticize the law have been swiftly branded as 'Car Supremacists' and encouraged to relocate to Idaho.
Next Steps: Eliminating Traffic Laws Entirely?
City officials have hinted that this is just the beginning. Future plans include replacing all traffic signals with mood lighting and allowing cyclists to issue on-the-spot tickets to drivers based on "vibes."
In the meantime, local psychics are reporting a record-breaking demand for their services, with many drivers hoping to fast-track their telepathic skills before the law takes effect next month.
“We’re just excited to help,” said Raven Starfire, a certified intuitive guide. “For just $299 per session, I can help you unlock your third eye and channel the divine knowledge needed to survive Portland’s streets. Just don’t drive here until you’ve reached enlightenment.”
Portland officials remain optimistic about the changes, stating, “This is how progress happens.”
Disclaimer: No actual cyclists were harmed in the making of this article. This piece is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes—except for the part about Portland traffic laws being a total enigma, that’s 100% real. If you’re a cyclist reading this, please don’t swerve into oncoming traffic out of spite. If you’re a driver, good luck out there.
