BEND, OR — A crisis of unprecedented proportions has rocked Central Oregon this week, as Bend’s last remaining Subaru dealership officially ran out of forest green Outbacks, sending thousands of residents into a full-blown identity spiral.
For years, Bend locals have relied on the forest green Subaru Outback as a cornerstone of their personality—a trusted companion that signaled to the world, "I enjoy IPA, I own at least one rescue dog, and I can drive to the mountains at any moment (but probably won’t).” But now, with no green Outbacks left on the lot, many are struggling to figure out who they even are anymore.
Crisis on the Streets
“I just… I don’t know what to do,” muttered longtime Bend resident Skyler Moondust, who was spotted aimlessly wandering a Whole Foods parking lot, clutching a reusable shopping bag and a can of locally brewed kombucha. “Do I even like hiking? Or was it just because I had a Subaru?”
Others echoed the sentiment. “I test-drove a Toyota RAV4 today,” confessed local mountain biking enthusiast Jasper Wilder, staring blankly into the distance. “I felt nothing. I tried to slap a ‘Keep Oregon Wild’ sticker on the bumper, but it just… it didn’t stick the same way. Something felt wrong.”
Reports indicate that thrift stores are experiencing a surge in Patagonia and North Face jacket donations as residents scramble to realign their personalities with whatever car they can find. A man who accidentally purchased a Honda CR-V was last seen trying on cargo shorts at a Cabela’s, while a local woman, forced to buy a Mazda, has allegedly begun listening to mainstream music.
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“People are losing themselves,” said Dr. Aspen Riverstone, a local therapist who specializes in Post-Subaru Identity Crisis (PSIC). “We’ve had patients come in questioning if they should sell their kayaks. One man even considered trading his hydro flask for a YETI cup. We are in completely uncharted waters here.”
The shortage has given rise to an underground economy, with forest green Outbacks now selling for triple their original price on Craigslist. A desperate Bend man reportedly traded his vintage Patagonia fleece and six months’ worth of oat milk for a 2012 model with a cracked windshield. Another was caught trying to spray-paint his blue Outback green in a Fred Meyer parking lot.
Meanwhile, Subaru dealerships have promised to restock soon, but that hasn’t stopped locals from panicking. “If they don’t get more in soon, I might have to move to… Portland,” whispered one distraught resident, shuddering at the thought. “And I swore I’d never be that person.”
Hope on the Horizon?
As the crisis deepens, city officials are urging calm, assuring residents that one’s entire personality does not have to be dictated by a car. But many refuse to accept such radical ideas.
“I’ve had my identity tied to a Subaru for 15 years,” scoffed longtime Bend resident Dakota Rain. “And I’ll be damned if I start driving something else. I’d rather walk.”
At press time, an emergency support group had been formed at a local craft brewery, offering free therapy sessions and IPA tastings for those struggling with the transition.
UPDATE: In an effort to prevent a full-scale existential meltdown, the Bend City Council has announced a new initiative: “Subaru Loss Therapy & Recovery Sessions”—a support group designed to help residents navigate life without a forest green Outback.
Held in the back of a local brewery (naturally), these sessions provide struggling individuals with a safe space to process their emotions. Attendees can expect guided discussions on rediscovering one’s personality beyond all-wheel drive, breathing exercises to help ease the panic of driving a non-Subaru vehicle, and affirmations like, “You are more than your bumper stickers.”
For those in particularly dire straits, trained therapy dogs (all named Luna or Maverick) will be available for emotional support. Free oat milk lattes will also be provided, though participants are encouraged to bring their own reusable mugs—because, despite the crisis, Bend still has standards.
While the program is still in its early stages, city officials remain hopeful. “The people of Bend are resilient,” said one council member. “We believe, in time, they will find new ways to signal their outdoorsy lifestyle to strangers. And if not, well… we hear Subaru shipments should resume by summer.”
Until then, Bend remains in survival mode, clinging to what’s left of its once-proud Subaru-based culture.
This article is pure satire and should not be taken seriously (unless you, too, have questioned your entire existence after losing access to a forest green Subaru Outback—then we get it). No actual riots, therapy sessions, or underground Subaru trades took place (that we know of). And for those currently in crisis due to the lack of green Outbacks, stay strong. Your identity is more than your car. (Probably.)
