WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking announcement today, Donald Trump declared that blue hair will soon be banned across the United States in an effort to "restore national pride and patriotism."

The bold initiative, dubbed the "Hair to the Chief Act," would outlaw any dye job resulting in shades of blue, teal, or periwinkle, which Trump described as "unpatriotic" and "a distraction from real American values."

"Blue hair is a problem, folks. A big problem," Trump told reporters during a press conference held at the Mar-a-Lago ballroom. "It’s not natural. It’s not American. When you see someone with blue hair, you think, ‘What’s going on there?’ We need to bring back traditional hair colors like blonde, brown, and, you know, the other ones. Very good colors, tremendous colors."

According to an early draft of the legislation, anyone caught sporting blue hair will first receive a warning and a voucher for a professional dye job in an "approved patriotic color." Repeat offenders, however, will face escalating consequences, including fines or mandatory community service, such as picking up litter while wearing a "Make America Hair Again" hat.

Under the proposed law, persistent violators may also be required to attend "Patriotic Hair Reeducation" workshops, where they will learn the importance of maintaining "natural hair greatness" for national unity. Salons offering blue hair dye services would also face penalties, with the potential of losing their licenses if found in violation of the ban. However, in a gesture of goodwill, the legislation includes a provision to provide funding for salons through tariffs on imported hair dye products. These funds will be used to help individuals transition from blue hair to "approved patriotic colors" and offer makeovers to promote a fresh start. "This isn’t just about hair," one supporter of the legislation stated. "It’s about teaching Americans to embrace traditional values, one strand at a time."

To enforce the law, the government will establish a new agency called the Follicle Force, which will reportedly patrol music festivals, college campuses, and vegan coffee shops—hotbeds of blue-haired activity. "It’s where they gather," Trump explained. "We know it. They know it. And now we’re watching."

Supporters of the policy have applauded Trump’s efforts to crack down on "rebellious hair culture," with many pointing out that blue hair is often associated with "people who complain too much on social media." However, critics have argued that the ban infringes on personal freedom.

One supporter of the ban, Hank Whitman, a self-proclaimed "defender of follicular patriotism," shared his thoughts on the matter. "Look, I’ve always said blue hair is just a gateway to purple hair, and before you know it, you’ve got a nation full of people who think Nickelback is overrated," Whitman stated proudly. "If banning blue hair keeps America safe and our barbers busy, then I say it’s worth it. Besides, everyone knows natural hair colors were good enough for our Founding Fathers."

When asked if the ban would extend to other unnatural hair colors, such as purple or green, Trump hinted that it might. "We’ll see," he said. "But blue is the worst. Everyone knows it’s the worst. It’s very sad."

At publishing time, Trump confirmed that exemptions would be made for elderly women whose blue-tinted perms are "kind of adorable."

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and should not be taken as factual reporting.