PORTLAND, OR — In a stunning triumph for modern public policy, local gang member Rico “Lil Torque” Martinez announced Sunday night that he has canceled a planned armed robbery after discovering that new gun control laws officially take effect Monday morning.
“I mean, I was gonna do it,” Martinez reportedly said while carefully disassembling what authorities describe as “several extremely non-compliant items.” “But once that law kicks in? I’m not trying to break any rules.”
According to sources inside the crew, the robbery had been scheduled for 12:05 a.m. Monday — a detail Martinez now admits was “poor timing in hindsight.”
“We were ready,” said one associate who asked to remain anonymous for legal and, apparently, ethical reasons. “Masks? Packed. Escape route? Timed. Group chat? Lit. Then Rico checks his phone and goes, ‘Yo… fellas… capacity limits.’ And that was it.”
Witnesses say Martinez immediately called an emergency strategy meeting at a folding table behind a vape shop, where he addressed the team with what one member described as “a surprisingly thoughtful tone.”
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“He said, ‘We might be gang members, but we’re not animals,’” the associate recalled. “He reminded us there are waiting periods now. We have to respect that.”
The new legislation includes expanded background checks, updated magazine restrictions, and additional purchase regulations — measures Martinez insists he plans to “fully honor moving forward.”
“I didn’t even know criminals were allowed to own more than ten rounds anymore,” he said. “Guess I’ll just have to reschedule.”
Policy advocates hailed the decision as proof the system works.
“This is exactly the outcome we hoped for,” said one supporter of the bill. “When gang members pause violent crime to review compliance guidelines, that’s how you know reform is effective.”
Martinez confirmed that while armed robbery is temporarily off the table, he and his crew are pivoting toward “non-firearm-based opportunities” until they can ensure full regulatory alignment.
“We’re thinking maybe unarmed intimidation,” he said. “But only after we double-check local ordinances.”
At press time, Martinez was reportedly refreshing the state legislature’s website to make sure no additional updates might interfere with a separate carjacking scheduled for next week.
