PORTLAND, OR — City officials moved quickly Monday to clarify that the recent release of human waste into the Willamette River is not the same poop residents routinely dodge on downtown sidewalks, stressing that while the two may appear similar, smell similar, and exist within close proximity, they are in fact “categorically different poops.”
“We understand the confusion,” said a city spokesperson during a press conference held downtown, carefully positioned several feet away from a suspicious stain. “But the poop in the river and the poop downtown serve very different roles in our ecosystem.”
The clarification follows a series of heavy storms that overwhelmed Portland’s Big Pipe system, sending untreated sewage into the Willamette River. Almost immediately, residents began drawing comparisons between the river advisory and what they encounter daily on their commute.
City leaders say those comparisons are misguided.
Officials Urge Residents To Stop “Poop Profiling”
“Downtown poop is sidewalk poop,” explained one infrastructure official, pointing to a color-coded chart. “River poop is infrastructure poop. You wouldn’t compare a bike lane to a river, would you?”
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According to the city, downtown poop exists primarily as a street-level experience, while river poop is part of a large-scale environmental process involving gravity, pipes, and what officials described as “weather doing weather things.”
“Yes, both are human,” the official added. “But that’s where the similarities end.”
Big Pipe Did Exactly What It Was Designed To Do
Engineers confirmed the Big Pipe system performed as intended when it reached capacity during the atmospheric river event.
“When the pipe fills up, something has to give,” said one exhausted city engineer. “And we’d all prefer it be the river.”
He noted that the system was never designed to handle record rainfall combined with what internal documents refer to as “Portland’s unusually robust downtown output.”
“The pipe didn’t fail,” he said. “Society did.”
Residents Remain Unconvinced
Despite repeated assurances, many Portlanders say the distinction feels theoretical.
“I stepped over poop on my way to work,” said one downtown employee. “Then I read there’s poop in the river. I don’t need a graduate degree to see the throughline.”
Another resident described the smell near the waterfront as “deeply familiar.”
“That’s the same vibe,” they said. “Different poop, same energy.”
City officials responded by urging residents not to rely on smell, sight, or lived experience when evaluating the situation.
Updated River Advisory Aims To Reduce Confusion
To avoid further misunderstanding, the city updated its river warning signs to read:
Water quality advisory in effect. This poop is not related to the poop downtown. Please do not swim.
Environmental officials confirmed the Willamette remains safe to admire from afar.
“Just don’t interact with it,” one spokesperson said. “Much like downtown.”
City Calls Clarification A Win For Transparency
Officials closed the briefing by praising Portland’s commitment to clear communication and progressive waste management.
“We’re being honest,” the spokesperson said. “Yes, there’s poop in the river. No, it’s not the poop you’re thinking of. And we ask residents to respect that distinction.”
At press time, the Willamette River continued flowing normally, downtown sidewalks remained unchanged, and city leaders reiterated once more that while Portland may currently contain multiple poops, they are each their own journey.
