SALEM, OR — In a shocking but somehow completely predictable Thanksgiving Day update, state transportation officials confirmed Thursday that roughly 50% of all traffic congestion on Interstate 5 can be traced back to a single silver Toyota Prius traveling at a spiritually centered 41 miles per hour in a 55 zone.
The vehicle, described by witnesses as “moving like it’s being powered by hope and a AA battery,” was first spotted near Wilsonville before slowly drifting southbound, leaving a 14-mile trail of brake lights, frustrated drivers, and at least one Subaru Outback crying in disbelief.
“We’ve identified the driver as a 67-year-old Portland man who believes speed limits are merely ‘suggestions from Big Asphalt,’” said ODOT spokesperson Megan Foltz. “He appears to be on his way to Thanksgiving dinner in Eugene, and based on his current pace, we estimate he’ll arrive sometime mid-April.”
Motorists stuck behind the Prius reported symptoms including:
- uncontrollable yelling,
- involuntary use of the phrase “COME ON, MAN,”
- and a deep emotional need to move out of Oregon forever.
One driver, trapped between Exit 271 and a semi carrying 23 tons of yams, said the experience had fundamentally changed her worldview.
“At first I thought it was normal holiday traffic,” said Corvallis resident Jenna Larkin. “But then I saw him. Hands at 10 and 2. Eyes locked on the road like he was defusing a bomb. No music. No expression. Just raw, chaotic neutral energy.”
According to early data, the Prius caused:
- a backup stretching from Tualatin to Salem,
- a spike in Google searches for “can I legally pass someone through telepathy,”
- and three separate fender benders triggered by people craning their necks to see what could POSSIBLY be going so slow.
A state trooper attempted to initiate a traffic stop but was unsuccessful after the Prius “accelerated” to 43 mph, at which point the trooper reportedly said, “Nah,” and returned to the safety of the shoulder.
ODOT reminds drivers to stay patient, keep a safe following distance, and avoid making eye contact with the Prius driver, who officials say “feeds on attention.”
As of press time, traffic experts confirm the Prius has now reached Salem, slowing I-5 to a complete standstill and causing at least one Oregonian to yell, “I swear to God I could walk faster.”
Officials warn that delays may continue through the evening or longer depending on whether the Prius exits or attempts to merge.
