WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring that Portland had “become a total disaster, maybe the worst in history,” President Donald Trump announced Friday that all official U.S. maps will be updated to replace the name Portland with the word Poop, effective Monday.
“They’ve ruined that city. Everyone’s left, everyone tells me it’s like living in hell. So we’re just calling it what it is: Poop,” Trump told Fox News in a morning call-in, adding that cartographers were “lined up, begging to make the change because it’s true.”
The president’s rebranding plan comes days after clashes between protesters and federal agents outside Portland’s ICE facility. Trump, who previously suggested he might “wipe them out” with the National Guard, argued that renaming the city would be cheaper and more efficient than sending in troops.
“Look, we saved a fortune. No tanks, no helicopters — just a Sharpie and a couple of guys at Rand McNally,” Trump said. “Beautiful maps. The best maps. Everyone’s saying it’s genius.”
Local officials expressed alarm. Portland Mayor Keith Wilson said in a statement: “While we welcome robust debate, our residents do not deserve to have their city relabeled ‘Poop’ by the federal government. The name Portland has cultural and historical significance, and contrary to the president’s remarks, the city has not been converted into fecal matter.”
Governor Tina Kotek’s office, meanwhile, warned that the move may trigger “serious constitutional questions” about executive authority over cartographic nomenclature. Oregon Attorney General Dan Rayfield vowed to sue. “We will not hesitate to defend our state’s dignity against this bathroom-level slander,” Rayfield said.
Still, White House aides confirmed the plan was moving forward, with federal agencies already instructed to begin reprinting signage, highway markers, and tourism brochures. The U.S. Geological Survey said updates would also extend to digital GPS platforms, meaning millions of drivers could soon be told to “Turn left toward Poop.”
Residents in Portland responded with a mixture of disbelief and resignation. One protester outside City Hall shrugged: “Honestly, it might improve tourism. Who doesn’t want to say they’ve been to Poop?”
Another Portlander, scanning the sidewalk for discarded syringes before lowering their voice, admitted: “I mean… look around. Between the tents, the graffiti, and the smell? He might actually be onto something. Just don’t tell my neighbors I said that.”
But others rejected the idea outright. “This is classic Trump — childish, petty, and totally detached from reality,” said a woman holding a “Portland Stands Tall” sign near Pioneer Courthouse Square. “We’re not Poop. We’re a city of artists, dreamers, and people who actually recycle. If anything, he’s the one full of crap.”
