OREGON — After centuries of mysterious sightings, blurry photos, and grainy VHS documentaries, Bigfoot has officially canceled all future appearances in Oregon, citing skyrocketing living costs as the final straw.
“Look, I’ve been dodging hikers, hunters, and tabloids for decades,” Bigfoot told reporters while shoving a half-empty French press into a moving box. “But $2,100 a month for a one-room cave with no plumbing? Forget it. Even a cryptid’s gotta eat.”
The legendary creature, known for his elusive nature and size-22 footprints, admitted that while he once thrived in Oregon’s misty forests, the state’s economic climate has made even the life of a mythical hermit unsustainable. “I used to blend into the Douglas firs,” he said. “Now I blend into crowds at open houses with 90 Californians waving cash offers.”
Real estate experts confirm that Bigfoot’s concerns are valid. Average Oregon home prices have soared to the point that even a centuries-old cryptid with zero job history can’t qualify for a mortgage. “He tried applying for a loan,” one mortgage officer admitted. “But when the bank asked for proof of income, all he could provide was 400 blurry Polaroids from conspiracy forums.”
To make ends meet, Bigfoot experimented with side hustles, including guiding Sasquatch-themed hiking tours and starring in a few off-brand energy drink commercials. “But after taxes, licensing fees, and paying $19 for a vegan pizza in Portland, it just wasn’t worth it,” he explained. “I’d need to do six photo ops a week just to cover my internet bill—and I don’t even have internet.”
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When asked where he plans to relocate, Bigfoot hinted at Montana, Idaho, or “anywhere a latte doesn’t require a small personal loan.” He also teased a possible OnlyFans account, though he stressed it would be “strictly feet pics.”
As for disappointed believers, Bigfoot was blunt: “Sorry folks, you’ll just have to find blurry shadows in the trees without me. Oregon priced me out. The only thing hairier than me these days is your rent.”
