PORTLAND, OR — In what company executives are calling their “most ambitious expansion yet,” Spirit Halloween announced Tuesday that it will seize the opportunity presented by Portland’s vacant downtown to convert every empty storefront into a seasonal costume superstore by October.
“Frankly, it just made sense,” said Spirit CEO Craig Phillips, adjusting a rubber Michael Myers mask during a press conference held in the hollowed-out husk of what used to be a Whole Foods. “We saw boarded-up windows, graffiti, and tumbleweeds blowing down Burnside, and thought: this is prime Spirit Halloween real estate. Why fight over one space when we can have all of them?”
The company’s new strategy, dubbed “Operation Pumpkin Spice,” involves transforming former retail giants like Nordstrom, REI, and the Apple Store into massive costume emporiums, with Spirit banners already being duct-taped over “For Lease” signs. Even smaller spaces, such as vape shops and boutique coffee roasters, will reportedly be crammed with plastic scythes and racks of “Sexy Bernie Sanders” costumes.
City officials were cautiously optimistic. “On one hand, this could bring people downtown again,” said Mayor Keith Wilson, standing in front of a Spirit banner fluttering over City Hall. “On the other, it’s a little sobering that Portland’s entire economic plan now revolves around plastic skeletons and novelty fog machines.”
Locals seemed split on the development. “Honestly, Spirit Halloween is the first sign of life I’ve seen downtown in years,” said resident Molly Graham while picking out a vampire cape in what was once a Chase Bank. “I’m just glad someone’s doing something with all this empty space. Maybe they’ll open a Spirit Cafe next.”
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At press time, Spirit announced that it is also in talks to expand into abandoned office buildings, promising a “haunting experience” for workers still clinging to their remote jobs.
