HEAVEN — In what celestial insiders are calling the most shocking lineup shakeup in millennia, sources confirmed Tuesday that heavy metal icon Ozzy Osbourne will headline Heaven’s main stage this summer, prompting Lucifer himself to file a breach of contract lawsuit in the Infernal Courts.
“Look, we had Ozzy penciled in for a 666-show residency in Hell,” said Beelzebub, Hell’s booking agent, visibly flustered as he rifled through decades of contracts signed in bat blood. “Then suddenly he’s up there, halo slightly crooked, doing soundcheck with a harp and talking about how ‘bloody lovely’ the acoustics are.”
Witnesses report Osbourne arrived at the Pearly Gates Tuesday, June 22, 2025, mumbling something about “not remembering the tour bus ride up here” before Saint Peter waved him through, citing “general confusion about which side he was supposed to be on anyway.”
“Heaven wants to diversify its lineup,” said Archangel Michael, noting that Ozzy’s set would be sandwiched between Mozart and a 4,000-voice angelic choir. “Sure, he’s accidentally summoned demons on stage a few times, but he’s still got that classic voice. The cherubim are stoked.”
Heaven officials also confirmed that Ozzy’s entrance was expedited after Jesus vouched for him personally, describing the Prince of Darkness as “a longtime mate who once gave me a killer harmonica lesson backstage in Birmingham.” “We go way back,” said Christ, adding that Ozzy’s rider only included “three bats and a bottle of spring water—total pro.”
Meanwhile, Hell officials have launched a counter-festival dubbed Hellapalooza featuring Keith Richards, who reportedly “isn’t quite ready for Heaven either.”
At press time, Osbourne had been seen biting the head off a dove in front of a horrified Saint Francis of Assisi, who immediately requested additional security for Heaven’s petting zoo.
