BEND, Ore. — In what officials are calling “either a miracle or a minor kaiju sighting,” a Bend woman has reportedly reeled in a 7-foot-long crawdad from the Deschutes River.
Sarah Lynn Haverford, 33, said she was enjoying a peaceful afternoon by the river when she felt a “slight tug” on her line that quickly escalated into what she described as “armageddon-level thrashing.”
“I thought I hooked a log,” Haverford said, still visibly shaken but proud. “Then the log started walking sideways and giving me the stink eye.”
After a 40-minute battle involving a fishing pole, two strangers with a kayak, and an entire bag of organic kettle chips used as bait reinforcement, Haverford finally dragged the crustaceous colossus onto shore.
“Honestly, I thought it was a prank,” said onlooker Greg Tilson, 52, who was paddleboarding nearby. “But then it snapped my paddle in half and tried to walk away with someone’s Yeti cooler. That thing had opinions.”
Photos of the clawed creature show a lobster-like behemoth stretching nearly the length of a Subaru Outback. Wildlife experts are stumped.
“It’s either the result of radiation, kombucha runoff, or this thing just really believes in itself,” said Dr. Eliza Murdoch, a biologist from OSU. “We don’t even know what to name it yet. Suggestions so far include ‘Clawzilla,’ ‘Crawdaddy Supreme,’ and ‘Larry.’”
The Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife issued a statement urging residents not to panic. “While this crawdad is unusually large, we believe it poses no significant threat unless provoked or if you bring up Elon Musk.”
Locals have already begun petitioning to make the creature the official mascot of Bend. “We’ve got ducks, beavers, Sasquatch… but nobody’s repping the river mutants,” said one city council member.
As for Haverford, she says she’s not scared — just proud.
“I released him back,” she said. “He gave me a thumbs up with one claw and scuttled away. I think we understand each other now. We’re river sisters.”
She’s now working on a children’s book titled "Crawdad of Unusual Size." Netflix has already called.
