I’m writing to you with trembling fingers and a heart full of reclaimed anxiety. I need help. Not the kind of help you get from a therapist (I already have two of those), but the kind you get from a trusted Oregon-based lifestyle blog with a passive-aggressive Facebook comment section.

Here’s the situation.

In 2020, I bought a Tesla. I felt like a pioneer. I was going to save the planet—quietly, in leather-trimmed seats, with a Bluetooth podcast about regenerative mushroom farming playing in the background.

Then came… the era.

Elon started tweeting memes with Pepe the Frog. Trump called him “a good guy.” Suddenly my car felt less like a sustainable futuremobile and more like a rolling Joe Rogan episode.

I panicked.

I ripped the Tesla logos off with a compostable spork. I slapped on a “F**k Billionaires” sticker next to a “Coexist” bumper magnet and started telling people it was a European prototype only available to people who subscribed to The Atlantic.

But deep down… I always knew.

People knew. They knew. No one believed it was some mystery EV. One guy at REI said, “Nice Tesla,” and I pretended I didn’t hear him and just sprinted into the Patagonia section.

I even added an “I Brake for Bernie” decal in hopes of spiritual camouflage.

But now… things have changed.

Elon and Trump had their nasty breakup. Elon said Trump was “too clingy.” Trump said Elon owed him “half the satellites and a rocket with gold toilets.” And something inside me stirred—like a lithium battery reawakening.

So I guess my question is… is it safe now?

Can I reattach the Tesla logos? Can I stop pretending my car is “just a limited-run Rivian test unit from the Netherlands”? Am I allowed to love Elon again—or at least lowercase-like him?

I’ve even started peeling off the “Eat the Rich” sticker… but only halfway. Just in case.

Please help. My car doesn’t know who it is anymore.

Sincerely,
Ashamed in Ashland