PORTLAND, OR — History was made this weekend at the Rocky Mountain Regional Hair-Off when 29-year-old Cassidy “Cactus” McBride strutted away with the coveted Best Chest in the West trophy—despite fierce competition from local lumberjacks, bass players, and at least one retired rodeo clown.
“I’m honored,” McBride said, her voice cracking with emotion and possibly a hairball. “This chest didn’t grow overnight. It took years of commitment, raw oats, and a strict no-wax policy.”
Spectators described McBride’s winning chest as “majestic,” “wind-resistant,” and “lowkey hypnotic.” One judge said he was particularly impressed with “how the chest hair shimmered like prairie grass in a sunset breeze.”
The annual contest, typically dominated by mountain men and heavily bearded uncles, made headlines for expanding eligibility to include “anyone with chest hair that can rustle audibly in the wind.” McBride crushed the competition during the “Free Flow & Flair” round, where contestants walked shirtless (or in her case, low-cut denim) through an industrial fan tunnel to showcase movement and volume.
“She’s redefining what it means to have a Western chest,” said Head Judge Buck Hardcastle, who had to physically remove a tumbleweed that got caught in her upper sternum curls during judging.
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Critics online called the win “a slap in the face to tradition,” but McBride clapped back with a now-viral tweet:
“If you wanted to win, maybe your chest shouldn’t have looked like a plucked chicken, Kevin.”
As part of her prize package, McBride receives a handcrafted belt buckle, a year’s supply of beard oil, and a modeling contract for next year’s Wooly Women of the West calendar.
When asked what’s next, she grinned and said, “East Coast. They’ve got nothing like this out there.”
