PORTLAND, OR — In a shocking but deeply on-brand move, Portland officials have unveiled a towering bronze statue of Tonya Harding in the heart of Pioneer Courthouse Square — a tribute to athleticism, Oregon grit, and the art of “solving problems with a skate in hand and a don’t-mess-with-me glare.”
Cast in full mid-performance glory, the statue captures Harding with arms outstretched, one leg elegantly raised, and the unmistakable facial expression of someone who knows exactly where your kneecap is.
“She’s a local legend, and a cautionary tale,” said city spokesperson Ember Rain-Chapman. “This statue symbolizes Portland values: resilience, misunderstood intensity, and low-level chaos with national implications.”
Within hours, the statue became a gathering point for amateur figure skaters, nostalgic 90s kids, and at least one guy in jorts trying to sell unofficial “Team Tonya” tank tops. A spontaneous interpretive skate battle broke out on the bricks, leaving three sprained ankles and one temporary restraining order.
“I just feel powerful standing here,” said local influencer-turned-ice-dancer Devin Shlantz. “I’ve never skated in my life, but I just threatened to take someone’s kneecap for stepping on my oat milk latte. This statue radiates something.”
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The plaque beneath the statue reads simply:
“Tonya Harding — Triple Axel Champion, Unofficial Oregon Enforcer.”
Reactions have been predictably divided. Some hail the statue as “a bold feminist reclamation of misunderstood legacy,” while others muttered something about “wrongful glorification” and “the beginning of the end.” A city council member, speaking anonymously, admitted they were hoping for “literally anyone else,” but ultimately said, “It’s Tonya. Who’s gonna say no?”
City security has already reported several late-night attempts to dress the statue in a windbreaker and slap on a Marlboro patch. Officials urge the public to admire the monument “respectfully” and “not use it to stage reenactments of Olympic-level confrontations.”
Plans are reportedly underway for a Nancy Kerrigan statue two blocks away, facing the Harding statue for maximum passive tension.
